cathytalks

2012-02-09T12:19:00.004-07:00

Aaaack!
I have three posts for this blog written in my head, but they're somewhat lengthy and require photographs. Currently much of my time is spent helping Lily try to get acclimated back at school--whatever that might look like. So for your reading pleasure, visit the following:
Rachel. Phenomenal post on running.
Tesi. Great post on faith and grace.
Bridget. This is what it is like, after waiting for 3 years to adopt a child, to finally get your final clearance from the country of Ethiopia that yes, indeed, you can legally come get your son.

And just in case you need another... Carrie. Homemade cleaning supplies. She's almost too good to be true, that Carrie. She's amazing.

2012-02-06T11:10:00.000-07:00

Book Review
So it's February again and it is Black History Month, which is good and bad. Good in the sense that we need it, but bad in the sense that it is swallowed up by all the other "month" observances we now pay homage to. For example, did you know that February is also American Heart Month, American History Month, National Bird Feeding Month, National Boost Your Self-Esteem Month, and National Canned Foods Month (to name a few)? Despite all that, February still belongs first and foremost to celebrating Black History, and there are a couple of books on our plate that I wanted to mention.

The first book is The Underground Railroad: An Interactive History Adventure by Allison Lassieur. I plan on reading this aloud with the kids at dinner over the next several days. Definitely for the older crowd (over age 6, for sure), but I love that it's interactive. You are reading from the perspective of a slave in the 1850s trying to escape, or a slave catcher hoping to get rich catching escaped slaves, or part of the Underground Railroad, helping slaves escape to freedom. While I'm not keen on the slave catcher's perspective, it does present an accurate character in the history of the Underground Railroad that you cannot gloss over. Everything in this book happened to real people, and my kids get to choose which side they're on and what to do next. We've had a lot of success reading biographies aloud together, and I hope the kids will get into the history lesson this book provides.

The next book, for me--not the kids, is How to be Black by Baratunde Thurston. I heard him interviewed recently on a radio program and he had me crying I was laughing so hard. He brilliantly writes about his experiences as a black male growing up in the Washington, D.C. area, and his interactions with everyone around him in his neighborhood, school, college, and beyond. His observations are witty yet spot-on, and if you've never understood the Oreo reference among African-Americans, you will one you've finished the book. I can't wait to get my hands on this.

2012-02-04T07:44:00.000-07:00

Snow
Colorado was blasted by a snowstorm yesterday. And even though winter is my least favorite season, it was nice to have a blustery day where we could sit by the fire and watch the snow fall. Like most of the country, we've been enjoying weeks and weeks of 50 and 60 degree weather. Where we live, we only got about 5 inches. But the rest of the state, and even the neighborhoods in our city just north of us, received over 15 inches. So school was cancelled, David got a much needed day off, and my kids set the world record for most hours in their pajamas. Not too shabby.

2012-02-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

Celebration!

Lily went to school today for one hour! We are encouraging a modified schedule, meaning slowly re-entering her into the school day, but she went. She did it! Being gone for so long has created some anxiety about going back, and she has some troubles with concentration, but she went for A WHOLE HOUR this morning and I hope to keep her on a steady, increasing schedule.

Yay Lily!

2012-01-29T18:47:00.001-07:00

Warning
This lady friend of mine just chopped off her hair. Okay, she had good reason. She donated 12 inches of her lovely locks--and I do mean lovely. She has the best hair in the world. And personality. And family. I'm about to start ~~stalking~~ hounding her for dates this summer when I could drive my kids to their Y camp and hang out with her for a week.

But I digress. Her decision has me looking at photos like this. Since we're not going to London...

2012-01-26T08:52:00.002-07:00

We're having a bad week. I'm tired. Lily is having some setbacks. Just keepin' it real.

2012-01-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

Bad Medicine and Theology 101

Lily is currently taking three medications. Three. It feels like three too many. Actually, I need to change that. She's taking five, if you include her allergy meds. We were seeing some success with one of the medicines, but one of the side effects is increased appetite and subsequent weight gain. I didn't notice anything at first, but for the last few weeks she is complaining of constant hunger. I help her choose healthy snacks and I also make sure she doesn't eat more than she should. Her doctor is amazing and weighs her every time we see him, but she's gained four pounds and he's "monitoring it closely." He won't let it get out of control, but it just sucks that on top of everything else, Lily is now having to count calories and restrict her diet and possibly worry about being overweight. I have been vigilant about my kids eating healthy. Always. I just want to throw a brick through a window somewhere to get all my frustration and disappointment out. And to make matters worse, her medicine may be losing its initial benefits.

However...
I am not at a crisis in my faith. I don't talk about my faith (if at all) on my blog because, well... it's just that. My faith. Just like I don't talk about all the details of my marriage, because it's my marriage and I don't feel like you need to know every little thing that goes on between myself and David. My faith is precious to me and personal, but I would be remiss if I did not share once in a while that without my faith--my belief in a God who does care about me--and my time in prayer, I would be a complete wreck. I think prayer is one of the greatest mysteries in the universe. People either believe in God or they don't. People read the Bible because they believe in it and put it to work in their lives or they think it's a nice collection of verses that can't have much application for today. But prayer. Prayer is different.

Quite a few of my friends who do not believe in God do ask for "good thoughts" or "good vibes" when they're going through a difficult time. Is this because they're selfish and just want me to think about them? Hardly. Can it be that collective thought on a positive outcome gives them a sense of comfort they wouldn't have otherwise? Maybe. Is the idea out there for us all that we can somehow help the universe along by hoping for a more positive outcome? I think deep, deep down we do hope for that.

Where does prayer fit into that? For me, prayer is one of the greatest mysteries of life. I don't embrace the idea that God is up there like a vending machine, that if I just pester Him enough or plead in just the right way He'll give me what I want. That's plain wrong. I think prayer works in the opposite way. As C. S. Lewis so eloquently put it, "I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time--waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God--it changes me."

That is what I know to be true. When Lily's illness or financial frustration or sibling bickering drives me bonkers, I remember the verses I read in my Bible that morning, like "don't be anxious but be thankful" or "have a joyful heart" or "love unconditionally." And I pray. In praying, my mind becomes less all-about-me and more what-can-I-do-to-make-today-better. I become less focused on my own problems and more focused on loving others.

I'm no theologian. And I've never been eloquent with words or opinions. But I know this to be true: prayer is a lifeline for me.

2012-01-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

Where, Oh Where...
are my pictures?

I have been terrible lately, forgetting my camera and not taking photos. For example, yesterday we drove to our good friends' cabin in the mountains. The kids were jumping off 15 foot embankments into snow drifts. Carver actually managed a few flips. And what was I doing? Not taking pictures, that's for darn sure. Okay, I was yakking away with my friend Ali and hoping my kids wouldn't break their necks, but I was also not taking any pictures. I've got to remedy that.

It's Sunday morning and that usually means we would be getting ready for church. (I love our church.) But today we literally have no food in the house and I'm afraid David won't be speaking to me if I don't go to the grocery store immediately. Also, it's a rare cloudy day in Colorado, and I can not seem to get out of my pajamas. So of course I'm blogging and procrastinating, but I will get to the store eventually.

Carver is still at the cabin, sleeping there with his friend. We gained their daughter Bailey, who is currently snuggled up with Lily in Lily's bed. Zinabu, my shadow, is sitting on the floor next to me, giving me a play-by-play of whatever cartoon he's watching. I am very slooooooowly looking up recipes on Pinterest, Google, and my cookbooks. I'm slowly transitioning back to a vegan diet, and I'm also slowly transitioning back to exercise. My knee has completely healed from my surgery in October, so I've begun running. I'm using the famous "Couch to 5k" app on my iPhone, and even though the process is slow, I'm hoping I can regain my stamina without re-injuring anything.

So that's my Sunday. Hope yours is a wee bit more exciting than mine.

2012-01-19T11:13:00.001-07:00

No Rest For The Weary

Lily had to have two teeth pulled this morning. Not baby teeth. Permanent teeth. I swear, I'm begging God to just give her a break. I have a whole post written in my head about prayer and its role in my life, but that's for another day.

Lily has no permanent incisors. They are the teeth that live right next to your two front teeth. The dentist told me it can be hereditary, so we'll just chalk that up to another medical mystery in our kids that we don't know the history behind. Anywho, when you are faced with this predicament, you have several options. Close the gap between her two front teeth, leave the gaps where the incisors should be, and give her a retainer with false teeth for the next several years. Then, when her jaw stops growing (around age 20), she can have a bridge or implants. The other option is to pull two bottom teeth so that all the teeth match up in number and for her bite, then with braces move all the teeth forward to close the gaps.

David and I thought a good long time about this, and there's no right or wrong way to do this. I think different orthodontists and dentists have different opinions about it, too, but in the end we chose the pulled teeth and braces. Well, she would have had braces regardless, but this is to bring all her teeth forward and align them. I just looked at the future and foresaw multiple lost and broken retainers, issues with fake teeth, and Lily not having dental insurance when she's in her 20s if she's not on our plan anymore. Plus, for her sake, we wanted this over and done with. Fix it now in the next two years and not worry about it again.

So after putting it off for as long as possible, I took Lily to our dentist today to have the bottom teeth pulled. At this point in my life, Lily is the bravest person I know. With all her current medical issues, she has every right to chuck some serious rotten eggs at life. But she gets up each day and does her best. The best for her. Taking her to the dentist broke my heart, but she did it! Then, stuffed full of gauze and completely numb from the nose down, we went to Target to pick out some toys and games. I rarely do this for my kids, but can you think of a better reason to spoil her? I can't.

Right now we just finished playing electronic Simon, attempted oatmeal (seriously funny), and plan to watch a horse movie.

Lily, I love you so much!

2012-01-17T10:48:00.002-07:00

MLK Day
I wish I could say that for Martin Luther King Jr's birthday we celebrated by singing "We Shall Overcome" together. We didn't. Instead, I watched Carver do this:

I'm sorry, Martin.

2012-01-13T12:01:00.001-07:00

Book Review
Let's see, recently I read.... (insert crickets chirping). Not a whole lot. I did get a book from the library about Lily's disease, but it was more harmful than helpful. I find that, yes, I need to stay informed, but too much information makes my head swim and causes me to lose sight of today. If I stay focused on today, I am in a much better place. And that's all I need.

I remember checking out something from the library, but I never touched it and had to return it before I ever got to read it. Please understand that I have always been the type of person that needs 146 books next to her bed in order to feel calm. I have always HAD to be reading something. But I don't have much time to read any more, and these days when I go to bed I just watch something on Netflix in my iPhone to escape. Always something funny. Always something to help me forget about everything. It's good therapy.

However, the kids are reading. Carver more voraciously than anyone. It's strange to have a child that is now old enough to be into books that I know nothing about. It used to be that we'd read together, or he would read books that I had already read (like Harry Potter or the Chronicles of Narnia or The Hunger Games). But now he gets the Middle School books of the year list and dives in. He just completed some mystery trilogy, and he is currently reading a fantasy novel about Frankenstein's apprentices. We have found audio books to be spectacular!!!! He can go through them like he goes through his socks: ridiculously fast. If you haven't gotten your kids in the habit of sitting and listening to books on tape or CD, I highly recommend it. I started Carver when he was 4 or 5, and it has been an invaluable tool in his life. He will still sit and play with Legos, and listen to a novel at the same time. And when his brother or sister get to be too much for him, he escapes into his headphones and a book.

Lily prefers non-fiction, which I am still not used to. I just don't know what to make of that. How can you not love a good novel? But she doesn't. She's her own person, and she prefers fact and science to fantasy or fiction. She is currently reading The Secret World of Wild Horses, The Encyclopedia of Horse Ownership, and Horses and Ponies: A Guide for Beginners. (Um, do you see a common theme?) Not my cup of tea but she does read them. I actually just offered to pay her to read a chapter book. She's considering it.

Zinabu is also turning into a book lover, but he doesn't like to sit alone to read. He prefers to be next to someone or reading aloud while somebody listens. Like when I'm on the phone or trying to cook dinner. The problem with that is he likes to stop every fifth line or so to tell you what's going on and give you the play-by-play to the plot. Remember, he's my verbal one. So he doesn't read as much as he could because he runs out of people who are willing to listen to him. I still read aloud to him every night, and he still loves picture books. He's currently reading The Spiderwick Chronicles.

Let it be known I'm taking book suggestions. I need something that is good enough to make me desire to stay up past my bedtime and get lost in its words. Any ideas? Hit me!

2012-01-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

Update
I have some good news to report. Lily is feeling better. A lot better. One of the therapies the doctor wanted to try seems to be helping. She's sleeping better, too, and that is phenomenal. It feels so wonderful to watch her have more normal, pain-free days. It gives us great hope that 2012 will be a little easier than 2011. The doctors have warned us, though, that at times she can regress health-wise, but for now we'll take the improvement.

She's so brave!

2012-01-05T15:04:00.001-07:00

How Free?

David's journal from his bike trip.

When David was 17, he rode his 10-speed bike from his small town in Minnesota to Washington state, then down to California.

Alone.

Please imagine this with me. Still in high school. No cell phones. No family stops along the way. One boy. One bike. The great unknown and hours and hours and hours by himself. Imagine all the things that could have gone wrong.

Except, nothing really did. He prepared his trip really well, he knew how to take his bike apart, fix it, and put it back together. He budgeted his money for food and supplies. He had family and friends send him letters at post offices along the way. He knew what he was doing and he did it. He confided in me that it was one of the hardest things he's done, but also one of the most rewarding. His mom once said, "I'm not really sure what we were thinking letting him go on that trip all by himself." And we've joked that it was a bit of stretch, his parents letting him do that all by himself. But David was (and is) pretty responsible and was (and is) really great at planning travel. So it all worked out.

If you're not a frequent reader of Free Range Kids, then you should be. I absolutely love that blog and read it often to get a dose of parenting reality. I think, as a parent, I fall somewhere in the middle. Pretty protective in some areas, and super lenient in others. If you've been to our house you know we are surrounded by trees, rocks, and the occasional cactus. Sometimes people will come to our house and be visiting with me and suddenly gasp, "Your children! They're going to kill themselves!" I follow their gaze and see my kids hanging from trees, jumping off giant rocks, and sitting precariously close to places where Black Widow spiders most likely live. For me, when my kids are outside I really don't care what they do. I want them to ride their bikes around the neighborhood by themselves, get to know strangers (like our neighbors), play, get filthy dirty, and build things with hammers and nails. I want them to (and I let them) ride elevators by themselves and meet me at the top. I want them to (and I let them) go into the grocery store with money, pick up some milk, pay for it, and meet me back at the car. I want them to (and I let them) be out of my sight for long periods of time and solve their own problems. Right now Zinabu is in the kitchen cutting his own apple with (gasp) a knife! These sound like such little things, but in today's version of parenting, they're monumental.

Would I let Carver, at age 17, ride his bike to Maine? Probably not. But I always hope I am the kind of parent that lets my children stretch their wings, test the water, loosen the apron strings, and gain some independence without me always hovering over them, making sure their grapes are forever cut in half or that they have clean socks.

It's all about balance.

2012-01-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hair-A-Thon
My fingers are bent in the cramped position. Carver's hair is looooong, and he loves having it in cornrows. I did his hair last night, and this morning I am doing Lily's twists. Twists are way faster than braids, but all in all the entire process takes about 5 hours. We're taking a break right now to ~~not kill each other~~ stretch and grab a snack.Thank the good Lord for podcasts. I am blissfully listening to all kinds of information goodness while Lily plays on the computer and I comb and part and wet and twist and repeat. During November Lily was feeling especially crummy health wise and didn't really want me touching her hair. I let it go, but we've paid for it. I spent a good two hours combing (and cutting) the knots out of her hair. We're in a better place now and I'm hoping I can keep on top of her hair. Not to mention she looks so darn cute with her hair done well.

An FYI about the tamale recipe in the previous post. It was the BOMB.COM! All my kids devoured them. However, I found that I had three times the amount of masa and not nearly enough veggie filling. So I would halve the masa amount you make and triple the filling amount. I also added Boca meatless crumbles to my veggie filling and it was divine. I'm pretty sure homemade tamales are now a part of our regular meal rotation.

2011-12-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

The Great Food Experiment

Thanks to his formative years in Ethiopia, Zinabu is by far my most adventurous and well-rounded eater. He loves Ethiopian food (duh!), he loves comfort food, he loves Mexican food, he loves Chinese food, vegetarian, Indian, middle eastern, and anything else you can come up with. Primarily this is because he loves food. Period. He is still pretty sensitive to when and where his next meal is coming from. He wants to know the food agenda every day. And he gets a tiny bit antsy when the pantry is low. So all in all, food makes him happy.

But his taste buds are seriously a mother's dream. He doesn't like cheese or pasta (my two favorite items in the universe), but other than that, he's happy about anything. He also goes through hot sauce like tokens at Chuck E. Cheese.

My other kids... not so much. Lily is better than Carver, but they still have their ten favorite foods and don't like to stray too far from them. Lily, at least, loves fruit and vegetables and I have no problem getting her daily doses of vitamins and minerals. But Carver.

He's thirteen and I'm still sneaking spinach into his smoothies. He loves white food. Bread. Tortillas. Cheese. He hates vegetables. Most fruit makes him gag. Literally.

But I'm ever optimistic and always wanting my kids to eat as healthy as possible. I used Pinterest this morning to find some interesting recipes... especially foods from other cultures. Here's my list for the week.

Saturday: Vegetarian tamales with salad. I found the recipe here.
Sunday: Falafels and fruit salad.
Monday: Tomato garbanzo bean soup with sandwiches and salad. Recipe here.
Tuesday: Vegetable casserole with pesto and polenta (for me), chicken for everyone else. I'm not stupid.
Wednesday: We have company that night, and I'm trying my hand at spinach and cheese enchiladas. One of my most favorite meals in the world.
Thursday: Tortellini and marinara sauce, garlic bread and salad.
Friday: I'm done. We go to our favorite New York style pizza restaurant.

I think I finally figured out why I hate to cook. For the most part, it makes a mess. A big mess. Between prep work, cooking, eating, and then clearing the table, I use a lot of our dishes, pots and pans, and the sink is full. I really would rather make everyone a piece of toast and call it a day. I also hate the amount of time it takes to make a meal for 6 people, plus clean up. Am I just incredibly slow, or does it take the rest of you two hours to do all that? Seriously, if I begin prep work around 4:30, make the meal, serve it by 5:30 or 6, we eat, then clean up... by the time I'm done it's 6:30 or 6:45. Yes the kids help (a little), and yes there are days when my meals don't take that long, but on average it's a production. I always plan my meals so we know what we're having, but I just wish the entire process was a wee bit easier.

And I just looked at the time. If I'm going to attempt homemade tamales (my first time), I'd better get moving. Who knows how long this will take.

2011-12-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

This and That
Today is oddly warm. Like 60 degrees. I am cleaning the carpets and opening windows and you could easily convince me it is April.

David and I just finished the Jason Bourne movies. I loved them. I feel like running around the house, fists clenched in case I need to punch an intruder. We are a little slow in the entertainment department, and we like to watch movies that are a few years old. (That's a nice way of saying we have no time to watch movies and try to see what we can when the mood strikes.)

Carver is going to a laser tag lock-in with his youth group tonight. I have to drop him off at 11:30 pm. I don't even know if I am physically capable of staying up that late.

Someone I love very much is going to find out today the prognosis of her husband's cancer. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that they have to go through this. That they have to sit in a doctor's office to find out the future of their lives. We've been there and it is horrible.

Our extended family are coming on January 8th to celebrate Christmas and New Year's with us. Which means we leave the Christmas tree up until then. I am trying to be a good sport about that, but I get an eye-twitch every time I walk by the ornaments.

My mom gave me a gift card to buy some new clothes. She is so great. Now, I just have to find some time to sneak away and do a little shopping. That's a Christmas miracle all on its own.

David has been home for two whole weeks. It has been bliss. I think he needs to prepare himself to walk back into work on Monday with me hanging onto his legs, kicking and screaming. It will not be pretty. I just can't let him go.

Lily is dog sitting for some friends of mine. So we have Buddy (our dog), Gus (the friend's dog), gerbils and babies, plus a rabbit and a goldfish. All in all, there are 12 critters in the house. You can imagine that Lily is on cloud nine. She is.

I can not believe that we JUST got our tax refund from the IRS and it's almost time to do taxes again. Unfair.

Our computer software Net Nanny now blocks me from Tesi's blog because she likes to swear a little. I find this so hilarious for some reason.

2011-12-27T11:26:00.001-07:00

Post-Christmas Blah
Those after-Christmas blues you sometimes read about? Well, I have 'em. All that wonderful excitement and joy leading up to the big day, and after the last present was opened and the last sugar cookie frosted, it dawned on me that life is still the same this side of Christmas as it was before Christmas.

You know that in your head, but it takes a while for your heart to catch up.

We had a small Christmas. Well, small by wealthy North American standards. Totally lavish by standards in other countries. My kids were fine. Actually, I don't think they really noticed. But how pathetic that I noticed and seemed to care. I had to give myself LOTS of lectures about not giving in to the pressures of consumerism. It was a wake-up call for me to do a self-check of our needs and wants. It was also a wake-up call for me to remember that our lives will be the same following a big celebration as they were before. Lily will still be sick. So I'm learning to lower my expectations. And that's ok. We had a fantastic day and we're all loving our break together.

To make life even more interesting, Lily bought gerbils for Carver for Christmas. While the pet shop ensured us they were both boys, alas... they are not. One girl. One boy. And the girl just had 6 babies.

Awesome.

2011-12-23T08:16:00.001-07:00

Christmas Tree, 2011 Edition
We actually got our Christmas tree two weeks ago, but I just uploaded the photos to the computer yesterday. We've been pleasantly busy this week. By busy I mean busy not doing dishes, busy not making our beds, busy not eating three square meals a day but snacking non-stop, busy playing in the snow, busy playing with each other and the dog, and the kids have been busy snooping for presents. (Mwahahahaha! They'll never find them!)

Every year our National Forest offers $10 permits to chop down your own Christmas Tree. (If you can't get to Bridget's house to get the one in her backyard, this is the next best option.) Every year we make the 30 minute drive, get donuts, and scour the woods for the perfect tree. The past few years we've been able to find a tree rather quickly. This year was a wee bit harder. It took some searching.

Zinabu, ready and excited.

Carver, a little upset he couldn't use a chain saw

Searching.

Darling.

Caught eating snow.

Finally found one. Carver begins to chop.

Lots of chopping. We helped by watching and cheering.

Back home with our super-sized Charlie Brown tree.

Our trees are tall and somewhat sparse, but we load them down with colorful kid ornaments. They're often clumped more on one side than the other. Heaviest ornaments are usually hung on small limbs so that the branches bend down and almost touch the ground. I love our trees. I need to take a photo of the finished product, but the memories created each year as we do this are priceless.

2011-12-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

Stage Hand
This week was Zinabu's 2nd grade holiday play! Entitled "Melten, The Warm-Hearted Snowman," it was cute overload times 1,000. Zinabu, on the other hand, is not so into elementary school musicals. He's not keen on people looking at him--on stage or anywhere else, for that matter. So while all the other kids were getting excited to be elves and reindeer and snowmen and the "town's children", Zinabu was having panic attacks about being in "Melten." His teacher understood his frustration and understood that forcing a kid to do something they really hate is just plain lame. So she gave him the job of curtain opener. He got to stand behind the stage (where no one could see him) and open the curtain at the beginning of the play and then close it at the end. I was so happy that Zinabu was happy. Tuesday night we all went to his play and it was adorable. Our favorite part, though, was when the curtain moved.

Zinabu with two friends who were elves.

At the end of the play, Zinabu was called out on stage to bow. You can see that he bowed quickly and was already heading for the wings faster than you can say "Justin Bieber." I barely had time to take a picture.

2011-12-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

Weepy, Whiny, Wednesday
I said I would allow myself one day a week to whine. You're in luck. Today's the day.

Things are in a weird holding pattern. As in... I'm holding my breath, Lily's holding together, my mom holds my hand, and David holds the boys. We're holding it in, holding out for a miracle, and holding our heads up high.

However, at night I weep. I weep into my pillow and wonder how on earth I will get up the next day and do it all over again. Lily is still not in school. Still not where her doctors want her to be. Still not okay. Still on medication that could cause permanent damage to her body. Still missing out on a lot of life.

I am not taking nearly as many photographs as I used to because I'm afraid that when I look back on them in a few years, I will remember only the pain and heartache of this season. I am ready for 2011 to be O.V.E.R. No guarantees that 2012 will be any better. It could be worse. But as far as 2011 is concerned, stick a fork in it. It's done.

2011-12-09T11:51:00.001-07:00

Inside vs. Outside
On the outside I look a little like this.

Well, minus the map and binoculars. (I leave those to Meghan.) I am, unfortunately, somewhat rumpled. I wear a baseball cap out of desperation when my hair will not cooperate. I have a bag of crap slung over my shoulder. I am either coming or going and not necessarily getting much done. I am average.

But what do I feel like on the inside?

Curvy and strong. Smoky eyes. A killer voice that belts out the blues. Awesome hair that always looks nice. Strength and compassion and purpose fill my days. On top of everything. Eternally young.

No, I can't sing. And no, I would never wear that much eye make-up. But that's how I feel on the inside. I think as kids we feel a certain way on the inside and assume that's how we present ourselves to the world. At a certain age, we have to come to grips with the cruel reality that what we feel like on the inside is not always how the world perceives us or even allows us to be.

One of my kids has a strong personality, and I often feel the frustration of trying to contain him. But why am I containing him? Shouldn't I let him be who he feels like for as long as possible? So without further ado, let me show you who my kids are on the inside.

Carver

Lily

Zinabu

Long live childhood

2011-12-06T13:58:00.001-07:00

What Have You...
given up for your child?

In the wake of the London Vacation Tragedy (as I now refer to it in my head), I find myself teetering on the edge of feeling sorry for myself and feeling grateful to be able to take good care of Lily. I allowed myself one weekend to feel all the pain about cancelling our vacation plans, and then I had to move on. I confess I still have to be careful not to spend much time on Facebook, because it feels like everyone and their third cousin has just traveled, is traveling, or is going to travel to somewhere amazing. If I dwell there too long, I feel a pity party coming on and I have to be super-duper careful not. to. go. there.

Over the past week, though, I've challenged myself to think about what I, as a parent, continually give up in order to be a parent. It's not just one trip to London. Parenting is a lifelong act of giving up. Everything from sleep to a trim waistline, from complaint-free meals to song choices on the radio, from financial abundance to worry free evenings, you give up a lot. But would I have it any other way? Certainly not. Despite the fact that I still spend way too much of my free time attempting to match up socks, I would be the most selfish person on the planet were it not for my kids and the lessons they teach me about letting go. Letting go of having things my way in order to embrace a new way of doing things.

And unless you grew up in a cave, someone gave up a whole lot in order to raise you. Regardless of your relationship with your parents or caregivers, you are a walking, talking, functioning member of society because someone sacrificed for you. Their time. Their money. Their season in life to travel. Whatever.

So London is currently off the table of things we're looking forward to, but my day-to-day bursts of joy are not. They remain ever present. Ever there. Ever reminding me that my sacrifices are not equal to the love I receive.

Besides, maybe someday the doors will open for us to go to Holland.

2011-12-05T08:53:00.001-07:00

When Christmas Goes Bad
Just found this hilarious blog post on the worst Christmas Nativity sets... ever. Go here to view them yourself. But only when you have time to laugh out loud. I personally can't decide between the Irish Nativity or the Meat Nativity. I'm dying to know your favorites.

2011-12-04T14:44:00.001-07:00

Highlights from Thanksgiving
Our Thanksgiving trip to the mountains was fabulous on so many levels. Mostly because we left "life" behind at our house and escaped from all our responsibilities and demands. Lily was feeling pretty good that week, too, so she was able to keep up with her brothers in the pool and in the snow. It's always hard going on vacation because our family feels so conspicuous. I don't feel that way at home. I guess when we're in our own town keeping to our own routine I don't feel as sensitive to people's stares and questions. But when we're away from home, I'm hyper-sensitive to it. It doesn't help that my kids were the only children of color within a 45 mile radius. The only African American we saw that week was our waitress, which is not exactly what I'm looking for in regards to diversity. But my kids get trophies for adapting to their environment, sticking together, and shrugging off long glances and stares. When you become a conspicuous-looking family, you sign up for a lifetime of being under a microscope. I'm not complaining about it, because we chose this. You do get tired, though, of the same personal questions from strangers over and over and over again. Is it bad that I hope one of these days one of my kids will just pipe up and say, "Shut up!" to the next person that asks if they're siblings?

Watching the kids play.

Lily comes down the sledding hill.

My kids in a blizzard at the inner tubing hill. You can barely make it out in the background. It was ffffrrreeeezing, but they totally rocked it anyway.

A whole week of this view. Good therapy indeed.

2011-11-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

Monday... Again?

Back from a great vacation. Truly heavenly. I slept in. I can't remember the last time I uttered those three words. Months for sure. Possibly a year.

Back to doctor appointments. It's always interesting when the specialist looks at your child, rubs his forehead, and says, "Hmmmm."

A prescription for new meds that are not generic. Lord have mercy.

I feel quite ill-equipped for this. Really, I do. This is borderline hilarious. The side effects of Lily's meds are nothing to sneeze at, and all I can do is pray they don't affect her in any way except positive. Wake Lily up with a kiss, hand her some juice and pills, watch her swallow them, pray for divine intervention, get on with our day, and repeat.

Our trip to London is 99.9% not happening. Oddly, I have not shed one tear. I'm pretty pissed off, but I haven't been hiding in the bathroom with the Kleenex. Yet.

Zinabu is pestering me to start the next Harry Potter book. I like to stretch them out and make my kids wait a while before reading the next one in the series. I think I've put him off as long as I can. He's begun to shoot me nasty looks while holding the book in his hands. I will give in.

Carver is done with the wrestling season. Hooray and amen and pass the extra hours I now have in my day. Love him and love the sport, but glad that's done with for now.

And how in the heck is it that Christmas is less than 4 weeks away? I. Am. Screwed. Don't look for Christmas cards from us this year. If I have a burst of inspiration or time, possibly. But don't hold your breath. Well, I'm sure you don't hold your breath over our holiday cards to begin with, but especially not this year. Today is Cyber Monday and I feel I should be snatching up all that free shipping and super savings, but all I'm doing is picking up stray socks and resigning myself to the fact that I'll be paying full-price for everything in three weeks.

Super.

2011-11-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

We are outta here. Gone. On vacation. Off to the mountains to spend some much-needed time together. I can't wait to sleep in and spend time with David and watch the kids goof off. Happy Thanksgiving all. Be thankful for your health, your life, everything. "in everything give thanks."

2011-11-17T10:43:00.002-07:00

Music

First of all, you have no idea how close I've come to cutting my hair. Every day this week my finger has quivered over the phone number for Charity, my awesome hair cutter. I have hardly seen Charity over the last year and a half--except for the occasional trim. My finger quivers, I tell you. But I've restrained. So far. Still, with the trip to London currently curbed, what is the point in clogged shower drains, hair on my sweaters, and hair getting caught in my jacket zipper (that's a new one...)?

Rebekah just posted about music and its influence in our lives, and she encouraged us to do our own blog post about music. I had to think awhile about this one, because music used to be very, very important to me. Not that it isn't anymore, but these days I don't have a lot of time to sit and think about music like I used to. Music used to be a constant background. It defined the moments of my life. My friends and I would make mixes for each other, each one a soundtrack to our season in time. And you name any U2 album and I can tell you where I was when I first heard it, the people in my life when it was released, kissing my teenage boyfriend(s) while it was playing, where I was living when I saw them in concert, how many miles I would run to each song, what I was wearing when I met Bono in person, which singles made me weak in the knees, and the fact that my two boys play instruments because of my love for Adam's bass and Larry's drums... well, the rest is history.

These days, I try to keep up on new bands, but mostly I listen to Pandora and just let it choose for me. There's freedom in that though, right? Music is also a curse these days, because my husband works at a high school and is required to chaperon school dances. So music keeps me from time with my husband, and his evenings are spent separating kids from bumping and grinding to "today's" music. Not so fun.

Sometimes I hate music. When I am required to listen to it at the multiple doctor's offices we've been to lately. Sitting in a waiting room, waiting to see a specialist who may or may not have good news about your daughter's condition and you are forced to listen to Air Supply or muzak or (gasp) horror or horrors: country. It makes me feel claustrophobic and like I'm going to break out in hives.

And even though I am morally opposed to any kind of Christmas decor or advertising or lights while we have yet to celebrate Thanksgiving, I confess I get really excited knowing that Christmas music is right around the corner. I love me some Christmas music. It makes me feel 5 years old again for some reason. Plus, it has a magical way of making Zinabu's tone deaf rendition of "Jingle Bells" sound perfect and sweet to my ears.

I wonder what my kids will like for music. I wonder if I will have to redirect them or influence them, like if they suddenly find Weird Al fascinating. I wonder if they will even care. Carver so loves playing music that I just know he will be the kid who listens to indie rappers as well as show tunes. He is incredibly versatile in music likes. He will listen to music for the sake of music. I love that! Lily does not care one whit about music. She would rather be riding horses. However, she thinks Lady Gaga is unique. She's not allowed to see much of what Lady Gaga wears or listen to non-kid friendly songs, but Lily would rather go for someone who is pushing the envelope as opposed to someone safe. And Z? Who knows. He has his own soundtrack beating in his head. He has spent the last year and a half in drum lessons, and I am starting to see the effect of that when he's at school: tapping his pencil unconsciously in his lap, bobbing his head up and down while reading. He loves loud thumpa-thumpa music, and we have a hard time helping him wind down after a good dance party in our basement. I think for him music is all about fun.

Mostly I feel fortunate to live in this generation where I can access ANY music at the touch of a button. How fortunate we are. When Zinabu came to live with us, we had Ethiopian music streaming on our laptop for him. I can go from King Yellowman reggae to Frank Sinatra in one second while I'm making dinner. And I can pretend I'm an angry punk rocker while Pink vibrates the doors of my minivan. Music can be an escape for an especially hard day, and it can take me back to summer camp in one second flat.

Is there anything else in the world like it?

2011-11-14T13:32:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday, Zinabu

He is 8. My youngest is 8. My sweet Zinabu from the other side of the world is now 8 years old. He's been with us longer than he was in Ethiopia: 3.5 years there, and 4.5 years here. That's amazing. He is one of my greatest blessings. I love you, Z Man! Enjoy the photos. I had fun going through them all. And at the end, if you've been following my blog since the beginning, you might remember the classic "C is for Cookie" video that he sang when he'd been with us for only a few weeks. Still makes me laugh and cry all at the same time.

Our referral picture. The first time we saw his face.

With us for just a few weeks. He loved all things goggles and glasses.

Always smiling. Always. He even smiles in his sleep.

Precious.

Quirky.

Totally a Daddy's boy.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

2011-11-13T08:17:00.001-07:00

No More Mrs. Whiny Pants

My family. Lily looking sweet while the boys ignore me. Please note my fab husband is in the
background doing dishes! Love him.

All right. Starting now I am back to my regular blogging schedule, and I will allow myself one day a week to report on the doldrums we're currently experiencing. One day a week to flame out and cry. That should be enough. The rest of the week I'll be blogging like it's 1999--or something close to that.

We had no school on Friday, but the girls Volleyball team from David's school made it to the state finals, so Friday and Saturday were spent at the Denver Coliseum watching multiple volleyball games. Our team placed second in the state, and we all lost our voices cheering them on.

Last night my friend Tesi hosted the Wine to Water event in her hometown. If you have not met Tesi, I recommend you find some time in your life to do so. She rocks the entire world. I can't wait to hear all about the event and hear how much money they raised to bring clean drinking water to those who need it most.

I have also, FINALLY, updated Bridget's link in my "Places I Go..." section. You definitely want to check in with her because she is DAYS away from going to Ethiopia for the first time and meeting her son. I am all aflutter with joy for her. Her adoption journey has been unbelievably grueling. It's a great occasion to break open some champagne.

Thanks for all your continued love and support. I love you right back!

2011-11-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

Life is just so, so hard right now. I'm sorry to not have anything more exciting to say, but that's the truth. It's hard. I'm not saying I won't blog anymore, but how many times do I feel like sitting in front of the computer to face the reality of my very crummy situation? Um... not really. It's enough that I have to live it during the day. I'm not eager to re-live it when I try to blog.

We are waiting on multiple medications to make Lily feel better. But until we get there, it's just hunker down and make the most of each day. Sorry I have nothing else to tell you.

2011-11-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

Remember When?
Remember when I used to update my blog almost daily? And I had high hopes of incorporating multi-cultural themes into the posts? And remember when I did book reviews?

I do. I miss that. Right now I have exactly 15 minutes to myself, and I'm going to tell you about an awesome little book. Thank You, Sarah by Laurie Halse Anderson. This sweet book tells the story of Sarah Hale and her letter writing campaign to make Thanksgiving a national holiday. The best part of this book is that it really depicts Sarah as the strong, independent, fierce superwoman that she was. She did some amazing things in her lifetime--organizing a national holiday being just one of them. As the book states, "Superheroes work the hardest when things get tough." It's a feel-good story that introduces your kids to the history behind Thanksgiving, with a little "go change the world" attitude thrown in on the side. Totally awesome. I hope you can find it at your library right now.

2011-11-02T12:49:00.000-06:00

Halloween
Halloween was just what we needed: a night to pretend things are normal and ok around here. We were blessed with incredible weather--a rare event in Colorado. I think over the last 5 years Halloween has been cold or snowy. This year it was 70 degrees that day, so no need for mittens, coats, or snow boots over costumes. Lily was a cowgirl and Zinabu was the most hilarious looking werewolf. Carver (not pictured) went trick-or-treating with his best friend. It was our first time without him, and I was sad for me but happy for him that he got to go have so much fun.

Buddy's costume was from the vet. He got to be a cone head because he impaled his leg on a branch last week and needed a bunch of stitches. Just when we thought we wouldn't have any more unforeseen expenses, we got to pay the vet a big ol' pile of money for surgery. Whoopee.

I have been avoiding Facebook and blogs, only because when things are so sad here it's hard to read about other people's happy families. I know that no family is perfect, and that everyone is dealing with their own stuff. I get that. But I'm especially sensitive to the fact that things around here are crappy and it just plain hurts to be reminded of it every time I turn around. That's the great challenge in grief and pain, isn't it? To deal with it at home, let people help you as best they can, but still face the world with grace--even joy, as you then celebrate life going on in other people's lives. I'm learning how to do that. It's not easy at all, but I'm learning.

2011-10-27T10:28:00.000-06:00

If
If you could sit where I'm sitting and see what I see...

This week was awful. And it's only Thursday. Sometimes I just want to give up. But if you could see what I see, you'd see a husband who loves me, a mom who takes care of me, a son who works so hard, another son who makes me laugh, a daughter who is the bravest person I know right now, and sunshine and blue sky and snow melting off the trees.

So even though my circumstances tell me I'm screwed, I look beyond them and feel blessed.

Faith. Hope. Love.

2011-10-24T12:53:00.000-06:00

Oh Baby
It was 13 years ago today that I officially became a mom. Carver was placed in my arms and we celebrated becoming parents. Today is awfully special. Man, I love that kid.

Today is also crazy. Doctor's appointment for Lily, grocery store, bank, laundry, parent meeting at Carver's school, wrestling, pick-up Z at a friend's house, blah blah blah. When I tell people I live in my car they think I'm exaggerating. But I'm not. I really live in my car.

This weekend and today are spectacularly gorgeous. Highs in the 70s. Pristine blue sky. Yellow and red leaves everywhere. And on Wednesday it's supposed to snow with a high of 30. Which means digging out the jackets and gloves and hats and boots and I am so not ready for all of that. What's funny is that here in Colorado, it usually warms right back up again after it snows, so a lot of times I just tell the kids to grab a sweatshirt and remind them they'll be warm again soon. Mother of the year, right here!

We made some time yesterday to drive up a dirt road and find a secluded lake in the mountains. At 9,000+ feet, the leaves were mostly gone, but the sky and the water were gorgeous. My kids did what most kids do in this environment: get dirty, throw rocks, and goof off. It was awesome.

David's birthday is on Wednesday, so for all of you who are friends with him on Facebook, be sure to wish him a happy bday. He leaves on Thursday morning to go to Minnesota to visit his mom. He'll be gone until Monday, which means it will be a battle between me and the kids for who goes crazy first. I'm putting the odds on me.

2011-10-20T14:02:00.000-06:00

What The...?
I am homeschooling Lily.
Bring on the alcohol.

This is crazy. Totally crazy. And yet kinda fun. Despite our best efforts to keep Lily in school, she was missing enough days that it felt unfair for us to expect the teachers to work around our lives. Their jobs are hard enough as it is without us coming and going and not knowing when she'd be able to attend. Besides, right now Lily wants to hunker down and stay home most of the time. (Don't we all?) So it felt like the best option.

For now.

Our long term goal is to get Lily back to school and keep her there, but a season of homeschooling won't kill us. And I admit I was a wee bit too giddy at the teacher supply store yesterday. It was so fun looking at workbooks and curriculum. Being that Lily is my middle child, we've done fifth grade before and I have a pretty good idea what gets covered and what is expected throughout the year. So we got a great 5th/6th grade math book, two social studies books on the American Revolution and Colonial life, and a writing book. Everything else I can supplement, because homeschooling aint cheap. Lily was very distracted by the books on Australia, and I had remind her that's why we go to the library. A lot of reading and projects we can do ourselves just by checking out different books. We are easing into our schedule, doing what Lily can handle. I'm sure there will be days when I am her least favorite person in the world, but we're making the best of a crummy situation.

Hence the alcohol.

2011-10-17T12:35:00.000-06:00

Bike Ride
We were able to get out on our bikes yesterday. It was a bee-you-te-ful fall Sunday and we had "forced family fun time." You know what I mean. The kind where you have to make your kids go do something with you so you can be together as a family, and they drag their feet at first but once we get out there they have the BEST TIME EVER!!!! It usually goes like that around here. We let Lily take the small digital camera in her pocket, because she was going to take pictures of animals and document them. However, it turned out that she was mighty impressed with the yellow leaves and pretty scenery and she stopped her bike every 30 seconds to take photos. It made our bike ride a wee bit longer than we'd anticipated, but the results were worth it.

*photos by Lily, age 10

2011-10-13T09:27:00.000-06:00

What Life Feels Like
Life disrupted, that's what it feels like. Over the last three weeks, Lily has been to school a total of 3 days. Fortunately, her teacher is amazing and she's keeping up with her work at home. She started a new medication today and hopefully that will help her feel better and get back into her routine. Keep her in your prayers--that the medicine will work and she won't have any crazy side effects from it.

It's the end of the first quarter school wise, which means tests, quizzes, concerts, assemblies, and David being gone most of the week. I miss that guy. Things should settle down a bit after today, thank goodness. I can only feel disjointed for so long before my eyes start twitching

We have extended family coming into town this weekend, which should be so fun. Seeing them always makes me happy. There may be a trip to the mountains for the boys, which makes them happy. And I plan to drink tea and read a mindless, trashy novel. Hooray!

Photos to come. They're just stuck on my camera. Too bad there are no "camera elves" to upload your photos each night onto your computer. That's what I want for Christmas. Photo elves.

2011-10-10T13:42:00.000-06:00

Checklist for Monday

Up early to get blood test for Lily: check
Buy a donut for Lily because she had to get a blood test: check
Volunteer at school: check
Think about what we're having for dinner but not necessarily commit to anything: check
Ignore unmade bed: check
Wear new fuzzy warm boots because even though it's supposed to be 65 this afternoon it was 35 when I woke up and I hate cold feet: check
Stare at the pile of paperwork on my desk: check
Dream of taking a nap: check
Hug the dog (very good therapy): check
Try not to think about the fact that we may have to postpone our trip to London: check
Read Z's favorite Halloween book 20 times: check
Love on my family: check!

2011-10-05T22:07:00.000-06:00

Feeling Low
I took this photo a month ago at the hot air balloon festival in our city. It makes me feel good when I look at it. And I need to feel good. I cannot remember the last time I was this tired and wrung out. I think it was when Zinabu came home from Ethiopia with the mumps and he was in the hospital. David and I have basically had the crap beaten out of us. It's not a good day when your husband is crying as hard as you are. Our life pretty much sucks right now. And it will for a long, long time. I know you're dying to know what's wrong with Lily. I understand. I know you want to help and you want to know how to help her. Maybe someday we'll share what's going on. But for now, just know that it's not cancer and we're keeping it to ourselves because she deserves to go through life without people pitying her or feeling sorry for her.

Feel free to feel sorry for me, though. I have no problem with that.

I am trying to live minute by minute. I pray. I get through each hour and try to focus on the positive. What else can I do? One thing that's been hard is eating. It's hard to want to eat anything when you're so sick and ill with grief. However... here's a list of good things:

Even though we've been handed a nightmare, I was able to admit that I am already a better parent for it. Gone are the frivolous worries and stupid hassles. Gone are the irritations and inconveniences. I poured myself wholeheartedly into my children this week and they are better for it.

We live in an age of medicine and doctors and specialists. Even 10 years ago we would be in a much, much worse place.

I don't work. This was the year I was considering going back to work. But Lily is going to need me round the clock for a while and I have the freedom to do that.

There is a very strong possibility I will be homeschooling Lily, which is so absurd it makes me laugh out loud every time I think about. I need to laugh.

We live with my mom. There aren't enough words to describe how this is going to affect us. It's the biggest blessing in the world.

I have a husband who is going to help me see this through.

Thank you, all, for your kind words. Thank you for just being there.

2011-10-03T09:56:00.000-06:00

It Looks Different
I have a friend on Facebook (she doesn't read my blog so I feel safe saying this) who is insanely positive all the time. And I mean all. the. time. Her twice-daily posts read something like this:

"It's Monday! Time to rise and shine. It's gonna be an awesome day!"
"Woo hoo! 4:30 am run and my head is swimming with great ideas. Today is gonna rock!"
"Aahhhhh! Sunday! Time to recharge and relax. Love, love, love it!!!"
"Super excited for my conference this morning. Life is good!"

I'm all for a positive attitude, but sometimes I want to stick a fork in her eye. She's a wonderful person. Truly. And I certainly don't like the opposite--the whiny, constant complainer. But there is a balance, right? So if you're wanting a happy post right now, you might need to go elsewhere. I just need to process for a bit.

I had often thought that we would adopt again. I especially thought that we would adopt a special needs child. I was most open to a baby or child with Down Syndrome. But the timing never felt right, and waiting for that right moment to start the process or even look into it never happened. I've often felt a loss over the years, that I was missing out on that special someone. My desire to take care of a child that faced a difficult medical future never left. What I didn't know was that child was already in our home and her life would be difficult because of a medical condition. It just wasn't the one I would have "chosen." As if we have any choice in what our kids struggle with. That's me just being a control freak again. We see a specialist tomorrow, and hopefully we'll have some more answers and a direction to take--rather than this aimless wandering in circles, wondering what the heck is going on. So even though I'm not feeling very positive at the moment, and even though the medical condition looks different than anything I had ever anticipated, at least I'm finding some comfort in the fact that at one time in my life I was up for the challenge.

I'm hoping to find that energy again.

2011-10-02T07:45:00.001-06:00

How Long Till An Arm Gets Broken?
When your son builds a race car out of a dolly, an old office chair, rope, and a scooter, you have conflicting emotions. First, you are incredibly proud. Such ingenuity! Such creativity! Such awesomeness! Then the other side of your brain takes over--the part of your brain that reminds you of your co-pay at the Emergency Room--and you think, "Good grief! How long until someone breaks an arm?"
Any guesses?

2011-09-29T10:19:00.000-06:00

Homecoming
Last weekend was Homecoming for the school where David works. There are various activities leading up to the big weekend, plus the parade, football game, and dance on Saturday. It's a bid deal, because the entire west side of our city turns out for the parade. It's been a long-standing tradition for the school, and I feel pretty lucky that my family gets to be so involved in all the festivities.

Principal David, reporting for duty. Such a stud!

Hannah, Lily, and BFF Bailey.

Carver with his super wattage smile.

David, making the rounds with the Homecoming King and the Superintendent of our district.

Zinabu. Talking. As usual. But dang, he's adorable.

In the parade! There was no room for me in the car, which is typical. But I was okay with capturing the moments in film. And after they drove by, I popped into the tattoo shop you see there in the background. (Kidding)

It was a really fun weekend!

I had the stitches taken out of my knee the other day, and I am doing pretty well. A little more pain now that the swelling is down, but nothing I can't handle. I have the OK to start walking and stationary biking, so look out. (Whatever that means.) I have discovered that being vegan is harder after strep throat, surgery, and family crisis. I crave salt (read: cheese) and the more stressed out my life becomes the more lack of discipline I have over what I eat. I shouldn't be surprised, but I hope when life calms down a bit I'll be able to hop back on the vegan bandwagon. Let me just say that if one more things breaks or if I get any more bad news, I might start eating bacon.

2011-09-27T12:17:00.002-06:00

There are other things going on in our lives. It's true. The world has not stopped turning. I have about 50 photos to upload and post about. But for now I am enjoying my very last week of being a mom to children. On Saturday, I will become a mom to a teenager.

My mind cannot grasp this.

2011-09-23T22:30:00.004-06:00

My Heart
When you become a parent, your chest is sliced open and your heart laid bare. You don't feel it at first because you are so smitten with this beautiful new person who has entered your life. You kiss the little toes. You smell their essence. You marvel at every coo, blink, word, movement. You are so enamored, you forget that this deep love you have for your children comes with a dark side: the pain you feel when they are pained. You don't notice your heart is on the cusp of being put through the ringer. It will be. And it is. Over and over again.

But you survive. You tape it back together. Breathe deeply. Let it heal a little bit before the next crisis or medical diagnosis or letdown or disappointment. You feel in the recesses of your mind that it would not hurt so much if you did not love so much. But the love, oh the love, is so precious you wouldn't give it up for anything.

This past week has been the kind of week where my heart has felt beaten and bruised. Midnight tears and morning worries and the wish that it would all go away. My sweet Lily. My precious Lily is facing what feels insurmountable. We're ok. It's not an emergency. I won't go into details here--which means you're all imagining worst case scenarios of multiple things (don't), but I want to respect her privacy--but it is the kind of thing you hope happens to someone else so that you can keep on living your happy little life. Instead, we are the ones sweeping up the pieces of our hearts. She will be fine. She has to be fine. But right now it is grueling.

Have you ever wanted to quit? To say, "I don't want any more of this pain." Discomfort, sure. Inconvenience, no problem. I got all that and a bag of chips during the get-them-sleeping-through-the-night era. But watching your child hurt? No. I'm the first to admit that I did not sign up for this. Which sounds so weak. But it's honest. I'll say it again. I did not sign up for this. I did not have this in my plans. There was no instruction manual to prepare me. To prepare my heart for the pain of raising children. To prepare myself for a road I don't want to travel.

Yesterday David's high school hosted a statewide cross country meet. It was spectacular. The pageantry and the speed and the teams and the hype and the noise and the cheering. There were 38 teams, all racing their very best. The runners were fluid and practiced and determined and strong. We were watching at a spot about halfway through the course, and long after the boys had finished--right before the starting gun went off for the girls--came a boy all by himself. He was vastly overweight. He was dead last. He was so slow that he shuffled. He had absolutely no reason to be out there except to try. He was not running for the fun of it, because he was stared at, gawked at, and laughed at. He was so far behind he was completely alone, with no one to direct him through the course. He knew most of the girls would finish before him.

And yet he ran.

I watched him the way a mom watches their child take their first steps. I was so proud of him. I wanted to run beside him and hug him. I wanted to tell him that he was the best kid out there. I wanted him to know I had his back and that I thought that if he could do this... in front of thousands of people... he could do anything. He did not give up. I clapped for him. I yelled at him to not give up. I watched him huff past me, carrying not only his physical weight but the weight of everyone's eyes following his painful, slow trudge through the course. He ran because he knew, deep down, he could finish. He did the best he could.

He will never know how much he inspired me. I feel like I'm dead last, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. But what are my options? To give up? I don't care that people see me struggling, or that I'm dead last, or that the road I'm on is not pretty. Despite the pain in my heart, I love my child.

And I will not give up.

2011-09-21T22:20:00.002-06:00

If You're The Prayin' Type
...would you please pray for us? For Lily, especially.
Thanks.

2011-09-19T08:42:00.000-06:00

Make A Difference Monday

Guest Blogger: Sarah Lenssen from #Ask5for5 Family photos by Mike Fiechtner Photography

There are nearly 150 other bloggers from around the world for allowing me to share a story with you today, during Social Media Week.

A hungry child in East Africa can't wait. Her hunger consumes her while we decide if we'll respond and save her life. In Somalia, children are stumbling along for days, even weeks, on dangerous roads and with empty stomachs in search of food and water. Their crops failed for the third year in a row. All their animals died. They lost everything. Thousands are dying along the road before they find help in refugee camps.

At my house, when my three children are hungry, they wait minutes for food, maybe an hour if dinner is approaching. Children affected by the food crisis in Ethiopia, Kenya, and Somalia aren't so lucky. Did you know that the worst drought in 60 years is ravaging whole countries right now, as you read this? Famine, a term not used lightly, has been declared in Somalia. This is the world's first famine in 20 years.12.4 million people are in need of emergency assistance and over 29,000 children have died in the last three months alone. A child is dying every 5 minutes. It it estimated that 750,000 people could die before this famine is over. Take a moment and let that settle in.

The media plays a major role in disasters. They have the power to draw the attention of society to respond--or not. Unfortunately, this horrific disaster has become merely a footnote in most national media outlets. News of the U.S. national debt squabble and the latest celebrity's baby bump dominate headlines. That is why I am thrilled that nearly 150 bloggers from all over the world are joining together today to use the power of social media to make their own headlines; to share the urgent need of the almost forgotten with their blog readers. Humans have the capacity to care deeply for those who are suffering, but in a situation like this when the numbers are too huge to grasp and the people so far away, we often feel like the little we can do will be a drop in the ocean, and don't do anything at all.

When news of the famine first hit the news in late July, I selfishly avoided it. I didn't want to read about it or hear about it because I knew I would feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable. I wanted to protect myself. I knew I would need to do something if I knew what was really happening. You see, this food crisis is personal. I have a 4-year-old son and a 1 yr-old daughter who were adopted from Ethiopia and born in regions now affected by the drought. If my children still lived in their home villages, they would be two of the 12.4 million. My children: extremely hungry and malnourished? Gulp. I think any one of us would do anything we could for our hungry child. But would you do something for another mother's hungry child?

My friend and World Vision staffer, Jon Warren, was recently in Dadaab Refugee Camp in Kenya--the largest refugee camp in the world with over 400,000 people. He told me the story of Isnino Siyat, 22, a mother who walked for 10 days and nights with her husband, 1 yr-old-baby, Suleiman, and 4 yr.-old son Adan Hussein, fleeing the drought in Somalia. When she arrived at Dadaab, she built the family a shelter with borrowed materials while carrying her baby on her back. Even her dress is borrowed. As she sat in the shelter on her second night in camp she told Jon, "I left because of hunger. It is a very horrible drought which finished both our livestock and our farm." The family lost their 5 cows and 10 goats one by one over 3 months, as grazing lands dried up. "We don't have enough food now...our food is finished. I am really worried about the future of my children and myself if the situation continues."

Will you help a child like Baby Suleiman? Ask5for5 is a dream built upon the belief that you will.

That something I knew I would need to do became a campaign called #Ask5for5 to raise awareness and funds for famine and drought victims. The concept is simple, give $5 and ask five of your friends to give $5, and then they each ask five of their friends to give $5 and so on--in nine generations of 5x5x5...we could raise $2.4 Million! In one month, over 750 people have donated over $25,000! I set up a fundraiser at See Your Impact and 100% of the funds will go to World Vision, an organization that has been fighting hunger in the Horn of Africa for decades and will continue long after this famine has ended. Donations can multiply up to 5 times in impact by government grants to
help provide emergency food, clean water, agricultural support,
healthcare, and other vital assistance to children and families suffering in the Horn.

I need you to help me save lives. It's so so simple; here's what you need to do:

Donate $5 or more on this page (http://seeyourimpact.org/members/ask5for5)
Send an email to your friends and ask them to join us.
Share #Ask5for5 on Facebook and Twitter!

I'm looking for another 100 bloggers to share this post on their blogs throughout Social Media Week. Email me at ask5for5@gmail.com if you're interested in participating this week.

A hungry child doesn't wait. She doesn't wait for us to finish the other things on our to-do list, or get to it next month when we might have a little more money to give. She doesn't wait for us to decide if she's important enough to deserve a response. She will only wait as long as her weakened little body will hold on...please respond now and help save her life. Ask 5 for 5.

Thank you on behalf of all of those who will be helped--you are saving lives and changing history.

p.s. Please don't move on to the next website before you donate and email your friends right now. It only takes 5 minutes and just $5, and if you're life is busy like mine, you probably won't get back to it later. Let's not be a generation that ignores hundreds of thousands of starving people, instead let's leave a legacy of compassion. You have the opportunity to save a life today!

2011-09-15T08:03:00.001-06:00

Tree Lover
This is where Lily has taken to doing her homework.

Really, can you blame her? This summer she turned into an uber-outdoors enthusiast. She's going to grow up and be a vegetarian, veterinarian, octogenarian tree hugger. She'd much rather be outside than anywhere else. She'll go out and sit on the rocks, or climb a tree and write in her journal or do her homework. Any time I can't fine her, I just go outside and call her name and she responds from somewhere in the woods.

I love her.

My knee surgery was yesterday and it went well. I didn't do very well in recovery because of the anesthesia. I hope I don't have to have any kind of surgery ever again. Ugh. It was awful. But my knee feels better now than it did before surgery. I had a decent sized tear in my left meniscus and the cartilage had rolled back on itself, which meant that my knee hurt all the time and I couldn't really walk faster than an easy stroll. I miss exercising and running a lot, but this will still be a long recovery. I really wanted the surgery done asap because when we go to London we will probably be walking about 10 miles a day. After a couple of months of rest and light activity, I can start to get moving again. I am grateful for doctors and surgery and I'm grateful to live in a country where I have access to health care. Not everyone on the planet can say that.

Books we've been reading: Benjamin Franklin. Carver especially loved reading this one. You'd be surprised how many things Franklin invented and how he pursued education and writing to better himself. He was amazing. I'm not a big history buff, but this book was a winner!

2011-09-09T20:59:00.000-06:00

Lately

Lately these two have been inseparable. They've usually gotten along well and often play together. But something shifted in the last few months. These days, they are always together. Always. Sometimes I marvel at the fact that they were born on opposite ends of the globe, yet were thrust together due to some crazy life circumstances. And now? Now they're siblings. "Real" siblings.

Kinda makes you want to be nice to everyone on the planet, no matter where they're from, doesn't it?

2011-09-07T08:56:00.000-06:00

The Post in Which I Try to be Positive

Can you tell school has started? I'm back to my old ways... getting up early, food for everyone, driving everywhere, volunteering, homework, volleyball, music lessons. That means no time for blogging. Or reading blogs. I feel disconnected from my adoption community, not to mention myself. Slowly but surely we're getting back into the groove of the school schedule. As of today, we have not yet been late or forgotten anything of major importance. I don't know what this qualifies me for, but I'm proud.

The past few weeks could easily have been titled "Bye Bye Bank Account." Between the window(s) and a bathroom sink and our brand new dryer and the Certificate of Citizenship fee and back to school and medical co-pays, I'm ready to kiss August good-bye. I could easily wallow in self-pity, but I'm constantly aware that there are worse problems in the world (hello, can you say starvation?) so I try not to give in to it. I am very happy with the progress on my to-do list, which makes August not a total bust. The only things left on my list to finish are our will (have the paperwork, we just need to finish filling it out) and selling the jogger (David needs to fix the tires before I can Craigslist it). All in all, not too shabby.

We had the {BEST} Labor Day weekend ever. The weather was spectacular. We hiked and biked and played and had a campfire with s'mores, plus we saw two mornings worth of balloons for the hot air balloon festival. My kids played like they were on an episode of Survivor: filthy, dirty, happy, and outdoors. A weekend like that makes me greedy for more of summer, but I will acknowledge that I'm okay with fall being right around the corner. It has already arrived in the mountains.

As for today, all the members of my family are at their respective schools, and I plan to catch up on lots of little things. Fingers crossed that no one comes down with a fever or starts vomiting. I feel like I live my life in 45 min. increments. My days are loosely planned, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. But isn't that the definition of motherhood? Waiting for the other shoe to drop while trying to get things done. I think so.

2011-09-03T07:49:00.000-06:00

Amazing
Some amazing things happened this week:

1. Zinabu's Certificate of Citizenship for the United States of America came in the mail. In some states you wait up to 6 months for them to issue that certificate, but I guess here in Colorado the Department of Homeland Security is having a slow season. I mailed our application in 2 weeks ago. Amazing. I wish I could describe the feelings of joy and relief that washed over me when the mail carrier rang my doorbell and had me sign for the document. I am so, so relieved. No more waking up in a cold sweat at night, remembering that I have to get this done. It's done!

2. One of my kids began taking an anti-depressant. I write those words and I think, "Is this my life? Has it really come to this?" Indeed it has. The doctor we saw this week confirmed what we suspected--and what the counselor suggested--that our kiddo suffers from anxiety, a little OCD, and because of that some mood disorders. Amazing that what we thought had been years of strong-willed behavior turned out to be brain chemistry. We are starting with a super low dose and seeing if this brand works with our kid's brain. I am so excited to think they could begin having relief from being anxious a lot of the time. As hard as it is for me to be in this place--this place of diagnosis and medicine and therapy and rough days--there are far, far, far worse things we could be struggling with.

3. I was with two separate groups of moms yesterday and I heard two blatantly racist comments. The first group of women I had a lot in common with. The second group of women I had almost nothing in common with except that we all have children and we love them very much. I was floored at their ignorance, their snobby-ness, their superiority.

4. My friend Sarah rocks this world. 5 for 5 has raised over $20,000 for famine relief in east Africa. And she was featured in the Huffington Post. Read it! I'm praying the publicity spreads and we make it to $50,000 by the end of September. If you already gave, thank you! If you haven't, what are you waiting for?

5. In one month I will have a teenager. Let us not speak of this any more.

6. Last night we went to the first high school football game of the season. It is officially fall.

7. I called the IRS to find out about the status of our refund. You know the one. The one we filed for back in February? After waiting on hold, they were able to tell me they haven't even looked at our paperwork yet. I can expect another 60 day wait before they tell me anything, and it could very well be that they tell me to wait some more.

8. Despite all my best efforts, I am amazed at how many times I still fail as a mom. And despite all my failures, I am amazed at how sweetly and deeply my kids love me. I am amazingly blessed.

2011-08-30T17:01:00.002-06:00

On My Phone

We have no land line. My cell phone is our everything phone. So if someone calls my kids, it goes through me. Please let me share with you a recent voicemail. It was for Carver. From a girl.

Hey, Carver, this is Katrina. I was just wondering if you were into hunting because for my birthday I'm going to be doing a pheasant hunting expedition where you get to work with dogs and actually shoot the pheasants and learn how to get them. I get to bring one friend, so if you're available on September 18th from 10 to 3, I'd love it if you'd come. Thanks. Bye.

Where, exactly, do I begin?

2011-08-28T17:03:00.000-06:00

Things
Things are looking up around here. Antibiotics are working. New school year jitters are subsiding. Irene has (mostly) passed. This weekend was spent doing a lot of catch up--bills, paperwork, groceries, family time, and a birthday party. Plus loving on our new neighbor, a female Dachshund puppy. She is the tiniest, sweetest little thing and yes, it makes me want one. For now, we're content to send our kids to our next door neighbor's house to play with her, though. They can get their puppy fix that way. I'd post a picture, but Blogger is being picky right now and not letting me. Maybe soon. I hope you are doing well and looking forward to Monday. Just a few more days left in the month of August for me to finish all my anti-procrastination projects. I'll let you know how it all turns out.

2011-08-23T21:49:00.002-06:00

Sharing

David has strep throat. I believe this proves we have a strong marriage. I also want to make sure he is never left out, so he gets antibiotics as well. We are strep buddies, through and through.

Unfortunately, I still had a fever on Monday morning and when I tried to check in for my surgery they turned me down. I was extremely bummed. Actually, I pretty much lost it. I was nervous about the procedure to begin with, and I'd bottled up all the stress. On top of that I'd been really sick and a mess for several days prior, so I was not in a "happy place" when the nurse sent me home.

Fortunately, Carver's room looked like a bomb had gone off. Fortunate for me because all I need is a good cleaning spree to get my brain centered again. After that I felt better. I'll have to reschedule my knee surgery (maybe September?), but I can't say I'm eager.

2011-08-20T18:24:00.000-06:00

Sickedy Sick Sick Sick
What would be the best thing to do right before knee surgery? Get strep throat, of course. I have impeccable timing. I began feeling not so hot on Wednesday night, and on Thursday morning I was praying for death. My mom gets one million gold medals for taking over and carpooling and feeding and soothing and keeping things going. By Friday afternoon, when I realized I was not getting better and my nausea was bad enough I needed help, my doctor was booked and I had to go to Urgent Care. So David, who had all of three hours of free time on Friday because he had to chaperon a dance at his school that night, spent his evening with me at Urgent Care. I sat in a chair, holding my vomit bowl, looking like death, and he sweetly filled out paperwork. He also gets a million gold medals. The doctor said now that school is back in session, strep is rampant. But I am not in school, I told her. She didn't care. It's still rampant. It took another 24 hours for the antibiotics and anti-nausea meds to kick in, but now that they have I feel like a completely new person. In the past three days I have only eaten 2 popsicles. I'm looking forward to moving up to toast later tonight. If I can get some good square meals in me and have no fever tomorrow, then I can still have my surgery. I guess that's progress, right?

And yet the entire time I was kneeling at the porcelain bowl, I was very aware that I have good access to healthcare and medicine. My few days of horror came to an end. Over and done with. But right now, in famine stricken Africa, there is no escape. There's no hope for tomorrow that they will feel better. No light at the end of the tunnel. Unless...

Unless we help. Can you spare five dollars? That's less than the cost of my antibiotics. Less than lunch at Subway. Less than a package of tube socks, for goodness sake! Go to my previous post where my sweet friend Sarah has set up the easiest peasiest way for you to give. Please give. Please. Not for me, but for Zinabu's family. Please.

2011-08-17T22:09:00.001-06:00

5 for 5 Thursday. Guest Post from Sarah.

guest blogger: Sarah Lenssen from Ask5for5
photos courtesy of Cate Turton / Dept. for International Development

First, thanks to Cathy for allowing me to post on her blog today! Today, more than 25 bloggers, including this one, are standing with me to Ask 5 for 5 for Africa. Here's why....

I began pursuing a BIG dream two weeks ago. After deciding I could no longer avoid the news about the famine in the horn of Africa, I had that gut feeling that I couldn't sit this one out. I HAD to do something because I could. Something bigger than I could do alone. That's when #Ask5for5 was born.

Two of my children, Ashen and Bereket, were adopted and are from the region affected by the drought in Ethiopia. They would be two of the statistics if they still lived there. I see my son’s and daughter’s faces in the photos of those suffering in the refugee camps. It could have been him. It could have been her. The thought haunts me.

And moms just like us are watching their children go hungry day after day. I can't imagine what it's like, but I have to –I have to be there to help them, because it could have been my children. These families have lost their livestock, their crops, food prices are inflated at the market if there any food there, and don’t have any more lifelines to tap into. Many are traveling hundreds of miles through parched land in hope of finding help. Many are dying along the way. It is estimated that 29,000 children have died in the last 90 days in the famine in Somalia alone.

But I KNOW we can do something about it. Instead of feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed, we can rally ourselves and our friends to respond! I set up a fundraiser through See Your Impact. 100% of your gift will go to the relief and development organization World Vision, where it will be combined with government grants to multiply up to 5 times in impact!

You’ll receive updates on just how your funding is being used to help save lives affected by famine in East Africa. I'm amazed at how much we've raised already -- over $7,000 in just four days! We blew through our first 3 goals in just 3 days and are well on our way to $10,000 and beyond!

I need you to help me save lives. It's so so simple; here's what you need to do:

Donate $5 or more on this page (http://seeyourimpact.org/members/ask5for5)
Send an email to your friends and ask them to join us.
Share Ask5for5 on Facebook and Twitter, and join our page to stay updated too!

I'm also looking for 100 bloggers to stand with Ask5for5 to spread the word during Social Media week, September 19th - 23rd. If you're interested, email me, ask5for5@gmail.com.

Thanks! Please donate and email your friends right now--don't wait for a calmer moment, because if you're like me, other demands inevitably crop up and you won't get to it. A child's life hangs in the balance, but you can help save her!

2011-08-17T09:05:00.002-06:00

Wordless Wednesday (First Day of School!)

2011-08-14T22:36:00.001-06:00

Hooray For Me! (And You!)
All the items I have been procrastinating over for so long are falling by the wayside. I am seriously impressed with myself, and with you. Lots of you are tackling your own lists and it is so cool. I should have added more items to my original list, but I didn't want to bite off more than I could chew so I kept it simple. But if September rolls around and I still have a fire under my bum, I'll make a new list and keep going. However, let's stay in the moment, shall we? Want to see my progress?

~~Apply for Zinabu's Certificate of Citizenship.~~ (You cannot possibly imagine the joy I feel at this one. It has been plaguing me for 3+ years. It was not easy, and I fully expect the Dept. of Homeland Security to reject our application because of paperwork being wrong. I did the best I could, but the instructions are somewhat vague. But at least I've started.)
Update our will and trust.
~~Fix the broken window in our basement.~~
~~Install some kind of filter on our computer to keep the porn away.~~
~~Finish organizing our digital photos on our computer. I started but have a bit more to do.~~
~~Create memory boxes of my kids' elementary school years. I have the piles. I just need to put them in something in a year-by-year format.~~
Craigslist the kid stuff we no longer need but could get some money from. Like our B.O.B jogging stroller ~~and North Face sleeping bags.~~
Go to the new IKEA that just opened. {OK, kidding.}
Update my address book. You know, all the torn out return address labels from holiday cards that are held together by a rubber band and stuck haphazardly in my desk. I need to clean that up.

All that's left is the will and trust, the jogging stroller (which needs to have the brake fixed), and the address book. I'll get to the will and trust this week, and I hope to get to the jogging stroller after that. The sleeping bags I put on Craigslist sold in an hour, by the way. The most painless transaction ever. I hope your lists are disappearing just as quickly!

2011-08-12T08:25:00.001-06:00

A Recap
Yesterday we drove to Denver and met Deirdre and kids at the Museum of Science and Nature. We try to get there at least once a year, but we'd let our membership lapse. Superwoman Deirdre got us all in on her membership, so other than gas the day was completely free. Two moms and 6 kids (one in utero) and a lot of energy. It was so fun to see Deirdre and just pick up where we'd left off in July.

Carver making a weird face while pushing Nora through the museum. That's Deirdre
in the background. Looking beautiful!

Z in front of the T Rex jaws. He still loves him some dinosaurs.

I have to switch gears today and hunker down in my office and attempt the Certificate of Citizenship for Zinabu. There are so many other things I'd rather be doing, but this is what I need to do. Thanks to Deirdre for a little escapism yesterday so I can work today.

2011-08-09T09:22:00.001-06:00

Anti-Procrastination
We are one and a half weeks into August and I am rockin' my list. Look how much I've been able to cross off so far!

Apply for Zinabu's Certificate of Citizenship. For my ramblings on this, go here. And I said no judging.
Update our will and trust.
~~Fix the broken window in our basement. Long story, but it's a double-paned window and only the inner pane is broken so it's been easy to put off.~~
Install some kind of filter on our computer to keep the porn away. We supervise computer use, but you never know what will creep in. Did I ever tell you about the time I was looking up a recipe and wound up at a "Girls, Girls, Girls" site? Yeah. A recipe, for Pete's sake. It grosses me out.
~~Finish organizing our digital photos on our computer. I started but have a bit more to do.~~
~~Create memory boxes of my kids' elementary school years. I have the piles. I just need to put them in something in a year-by-year format.~~
Craigslist the kid stuff we no longer need but could get some money from. Like our B.O.B jogging stroller and North Face sleeping bags.
Go to the new IKEA that just opened. {OK, kidding.}
Update my address book. You know, all the torn out return address labels from holiday cards that are held together by a rubber band and stuck haphazardly in my desk. I need to clean that up.
~~Schedule my knee surgery.~~

Let's pause for a moment to make the occasion:

Yes, I added that last item to my list because I could have put it off. I mean, who wants surgery? But I bit the bullet and got it on the calendar. I'm flying through this list!

2011-08-08T14:23:00.001-06:00

Faith in our Future

I took this picture for 2 reasons:
1. I am wearing a dress. It happens about once a year, so it's important to document the event.
2. I have my hair pulled up in a chignon. You can't really see it, but it's there. The agony of growing out my hair is beginning to pay off.

Last night David and I went to Denver to attend a very formal award ceremony. Every year, forty students from across the state of Colorado win the most prestigious scholarship award offered, and this year David had 2 students from his school win. It. Was. Awesome. The ceremony was actually to honor a favorite teacher of each scholarship recipient. There was a beautiful dinner, followed by the students getting up on stage and explaining why their particular teacher (that they chose) was an influence in their lives. I lost count at how many times I cried after 15. Seriously. It was so inspiring. So moving. So beautiful to see these high achieving kids honor the teachers in their lives. From the extra geeky science teacher who looked incredibly uncomfortable to the sweet little Spanish teacher who welled up the moment she got on stage, it was non-stop In.Cred.I.Ble.

I have faith in our future. Faith in future generations. Faith in this generation who are pouring into the next generation. I get to see it. And it does not disappoint.

2011-08-03T21:42:00.001-06:00

The Perfect Day
I almost took my kids to the art museum today, but after thinking about it I decided they needed to be outside, having good, old-fashioned fun. The weather was just right: partly sunny and balmy. We found a phenomenal trail, and had--quite possibly--the perfect day.

At the trail head. The three musketeers.

The hike followed a creek bed straight up a canyon.

Lots of bridges.

Onward.

At the top of the trail at the waterfall.

The water was so shallow but actually full of fish. My kids more or less terrified them
for the better part of two hours. No casualties, though.

They look so cute!!! And yes, those are the nets from the infamous yard sale.

Z played on the rocks the entire time.

I did not feel one bit guilty that I had a tomato and homemade pesto sandwich while the
kids had peanut butter and jelly.

What makes me a mom.

Flying leap.

A total miracle: no one's shoes got wet.

Please stop growing, Lily. Just stop!

2011-08-01T10:31:00.005-06:00

Progress
It's the first day of August and I'm already crossing items off my to-do list. Not bad. Granted, they were the two easiest. I could just sit here at my computer and do them, but still. They're done. And how interesting to install a computer filter and then spend the last hour trying to access porn. Good to know I couldn't get anything and the filter is doing its job. I feel much better about my kids' screen time now. Honestly, I should have done this years ago. Here's the list.

Apply for Zinabu's Certificate of Citizenship. For my ramblings on this, go here. And I said no judging.
Update our will and trust.
Fix the broken window in our basement. Long story, but it's a double-paned window and only the inner pane is broken so it's been easy to put off.
Install some kind of filter on our computer to keep the porn away. We supervise computer use, but you never know what will creep in. Did I ever tell you about the time I was looking up a recipe and wound up at a "Girls, Girls, Girls" site? Yeah. A recipe, for Pete's sake. It grosses me out.
~~Finish organizing our digital photos on our computer. I started but have a bit more to do.~~
Create memory boxes of my kids' elementary school years. I have the piles. I just need to put them in something in a year-by-year format.
Craigslist the kid stuff we no longer need but could get some money from. Like our B.O.B jogging stroller and North Face sleeping bags.
Go to the new IKEA that just opened. {OK, kidding.}
Update my address book. You know, all the torn out return address labels from holiday cards that are held together by a rubber band and stuck haphazardly in my desk. I need to clean that up.

We've been reading some great biographies around here.

There are a lot of wonderful books about Anne Frank, and of course her diary, but we started with a very simplistic overview of her life. Carver is fascinated with World War 2 (because he is 12 and he is a boy) so he knew a lot of the war details, but it was great to introduce the kids to such a remarkable young girl--who was not so different from them--and the details of what happened to her and her family. We also read a great little biography of Jesse Owens, whose story at the Olympics in Germany piggy-backed the Anne Frank story. Great books. Up next we have Benjamin Franklin and African American Inventors.

2011-07-30T17:08:00.001-06:00

Anti-Procrastination August
I read an article a few months ago, written by a woman who had been putting off several chores and items on her to-do list. Sick to death of not getting things done because she didn't have time or it was a pain or the errands were on different sides of town, she put aside a Saturday to do it all. She took her list, set aside an entire day, and vowed not to come home until it was done.

This spoke to me.

We all have those little things that add up to big things because they're constantly put off for later. I'm great at scheduling doctors appointments and going to meetings and cleaning the house and making meals three times a day and watering the plants and feeding the dog and doing the laundry and answering email and putting gas in the car and helping the kids with music lessons and 100 other things. So something has to fall by the wayside. And what falls by the wayside? Things that don't need to be done right away and therefore don't get done.

I can't set aside a Saturday to get all my items crossed off my list. First of all, my list is way too long. I can't get it done in one day. Second of all, the only time I get chill time with David is on Saturday, so I'm not giving that up for anything. But I can devote the month of August to finally tackle my procrastination list and get 'er done. (That is a phrase I never ever thought would come out of my mouth, let alone put on a public blog.)

Here's my list. NO JUDGING!

Apply for Zinabu's Certificate of Citizenship. For my ramblings on this, go here. And I said no judging.
Update our will and trust.
Fix the broken window in our basement. Long story, but it's a double-paned window and only the inner pane is broken so it's been easy to put off.
Install some kind of filter on our computer to keep the porn away. We supervise computer use, but you never know what will creep in. Did I ever tell you about the time I was looking up a recipe and wound up at a "Girls, Girls, Girls" site? Yeah. A recipe, for Pete's sake. It grosses me out.
Finish organizing our digital photos on our computer. I started but have a bit more to do.
Create memory boxes of my kids' elementary school years. I have the piles. I just need to put them in something in a year-by-year format.
Craigslist the kid stuff we no longer need but could get some money from. Like our B.O.B jogging stroller and North Face sleeping bags.
Go to the new IKEA that just opened. {OK, kidding.}
Update my address book. You know, all the torn out return address labels from holiday cards that are held together by a rubber band and stuck haphazardly in my desk. I need to clean that up.

There you have it. My "must do" list compiled in one spot and a list that I must get done by the end of August. Feel free to join the challenge. I'll keep you updated on my progress.

2011-07-29T07:09:00.000-06:00

Gratuitous Cute Kid Photos
The other day my entrepenurial children and friend Bailey had a lemonade stand. Lily figured out she could get more advertising bang for her buck if she used the dog. She's a smart one, that girl.

2011-07-26T11:20:00.001-06:00

Do You Ever Wonder
Do you ever wonder if you are doing right by your kids? I think about this all the time. At the end of the day I have so many regrets.

I should have encouraged them to read more today.
I wish I had played Uno one more time.
I wish I hadn't forgotten to wash their underwear and socks.
I wish I had made them eat more vegetables today.
I wish I hadn't hidden in my room to read a magazine.
I wish I had asked them more questions about themselves.

And on an on. I feel this even more heavily because my children are adopted. Their birth families entrusted me with their child. Their child, for heaven's sake. What greater gift could you give to another human being? How high should my standards be for myself and for what my children should be achieving or experiencing or learning? How can I ever be at a place where I have done enough or be able to say, "Good job, me."

I am haunted by regrets and my mistakes. When I fail my kids or let them down, I regret not only my inadequacies as a parent but also what feels like a betrayal to my kids' family tree. I quake in the notion that I am not enough of a mom--to my children or their relatives. The reality is that I am not enough. "Enough" would be Carver and Lily and Zinabu living with their birth parents. In a perfect world, they would not be my kids. But because they are, and this world is not perfect and I am not perfect, I fight the regrets at the end of each day and vow to do better tomorrow. It's not much of a game plan, but it's all I've got right now.

2011-07-25T20:10:00.000-06:00

Really
Our NFL players and owners can come to an agreement but our Democrats and Republicans can't.
David and I just worked on our own budget for the year and managed to fix it without arguing on and on and acting like babies.

I'm kinda embarrassed by our government right now. All of them.

2011-07-22T10:25:00.001-06:00

Do You Know The Way to San Jose?
(And Other Highlights from San Francisco)
I was so fortunate that when David had a conference in Sacramento last week, we were able to arrange for me to join him over the weekend. My mom had the kids, and I flew out and met David at his hotel. We drove to Oakland the first night for a baseball game--which was a blast. I do love me some sports, and sports with my husband is pretty much the bomb.com. The next day we drove to San Francisco and spent the entire day walking. We went to an amazing vegetarian cafe where David was a total sport himself and ate with me.

The United Nations Plaza.

The obligatory cable car.

Entering Chinatown.

Once in Chinatown, David wanted to take me to a tea tasting. There are multiple shops that sell tea and many of them offer tastings. You just walk in, sit down, and they brew up different kinds of tea and let you sample them totally free. Unfortunately, we mistakenly walked into what had to be the most expensive tea shop in the world, and they charged for tastings. We had to politely look interested while the sales clerk explained prices and brews, and when she finally turned her back, David said, "Let's run for it." So we did.

In a "free" tea tasting shop.

I look like I've had too much, don't I? And let me just say right now that the salty sea air
did not agree with my hair. Blah.

I made David buy one of those tapioca drinks that were so popular there. He
drank a few sips and then threw it away. Not such a fan of the tapioca.

Off the main tourist street is the real Chinatown, where residents shop and food vendors are plenty.

The streets of San Francisco. It was a good workout.

Inside Coit Tower, admiring the many post-depression era murals.

Shrouded in fog and clouds. See if you can spot Lombard Street.

The sun came out for an hour. This was off of Fisherman's Wharf. That's Alcatraz in the background.

Me and my honey.

After a lot of walking and a lot of good food, I was ready to leave San Francisco. I love big cities. Love them. But I was tired. We drove to a small beach town and stayed the night there. I'm sure the ocean was beautiful behind all the fog and rain. The next day we discussed our plans. We were an hour from my childhood home, and I had told David that I didn't want to go back and see my old neighborhood. Since my dad died, some things are too hard. But once I was in California, and we were so close, I changed my mind. And I'm so glad I did. It was hard and I sobbed, but sometimes you do hard things and sob to also experience something special.

My bedroom was the top left upstairs. I spent some of the best years of my life at this house and in this neighborhood. The house is a different color and has had some cosmetic changes, but still very recognizable. We walked the street and I called my older brother and my mom and cried a lot, but I was so blessed to remember so many sweet memories with my family.

After leaving San Jose, we drove to Sonoma and Napa Valley. We like wine, but we're not educated enough in wine to really care about touring vineyards or grape varieties. However, we do love good food and lovely landscapes, so Napa was still a pretty sweet place to be.

This is where I'm supposed to say I missed my kids. But I confess I didn't. I really didn't. I think this was the first trip I've been away from them where I did not miss them at all. Perhaps because they're older now and I don't have to worry about them as much. Perhaps because I really needed the break from them. Perhaps because being a plane trip away meant that I couldn't worry about them because I couldn't get to them quickly even if I wanted to. Perhaps because they annoyed me to death the week leading up to my trip.

Perhaps.

2011-07-21T13:49:00.001-06:00

Drought
We recently received this email from the organization through which we sponsor our Ugandan children:

Dear David and Cathy,

Because you are a sponsor of 2 children in Uganda, I wanted to make you aware of a very serious drought that is currently affecting nearly 12 million people living in the north-eastern part of Africa.

This drought is being reported as the worst in 60 years, affecting up to 40 percent of children under the age of 5.

Because of this drought, crops have failed and food prices have skyrocketed — leaving millions of people at risk.

We have nearly 1150 child development centers throughout this eastern part of Africa. We are monitoring the situation closely and will provide you with an update as more information becomes available.

At this time, we just wanted to share with you the information we’ve received from our field offices and also provide you with an opportunity to send a gift of any amount to help meet these incredible needs. As you can imagine, this has created an extraordinary demand for food, water, and other basic necessities. Please {they included a link to click on} if you would like to make a donation.

Thank you so much for your time. And please remember to pray for the children and families who are being directly impacted by this situation.

Ethiopia is also affected by this dire situation. I cannot bear to think of Zinabu's living relatives, who have already suffered so much.

So let's not complain about the hot weather in the United States, okay?

2011-07-19T13:26:00.000-06:00

Quick Update

I am back from my trip to California with David. I'll post my photos and thoughts tomorrow, but for now I wanted to show you the picture I took with my phone at 35,000 feet. That's the giant thunderstorm we flew through. I could see the lightning and everything. After I took this shot we were in the clouds for about an hour and I couldn't see a thing. The plane was bumping around, but I did not jump off the airplane or kill anyone. Aren't you proud of me?

Yay me!

2011-07-14T09:52:00.000-06:00

Thank You

Thank you so much to my lovely friends who sent me these gorgeous flowers for my birthday. I actually cried! And it totally made up for the fact that the dog had projectile diarrhea all over the carpet yesterday.

Seriously.

2011-07-12T17:26:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday To Me

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 40. To sound completely cliche, I have no idea how that happened. Yesterday I was 30. I swear I was. The past several years have gone by in a blur of diapers and adoption paperwork and moves to different houses and school volunteer hours and supporting David with career changes. You blink and it's gone.

I was nervous about 40. I watched the lines around my eyes deepen. I watched the waistband of my jeans tighten. I watched my 8.5 minute mile slow to a 9.5 minute mile (or more like 10 if I'm really honest). I started checking the age boxes 35 to 45 instead of 25 to 35.

I'm presently watching my children creep closer to me in shoe size. I feel irrelevant at playgrounds. I color my hair. I shun Botox but confess it could be a temptation. I understand that my insecurities as a woman will never go away; there will always be someone younger than me, better than me, prettier than me, riskier than me. I can't believe I still have the same bad habits that I've had since I was 16. I've become less limber. And I'm still scared to death of flying and elevators, though I force myself to do both.

I was dreading 40 and did not want to think about it, until I began to remember all the people in my life who have passed away. People who would have loved to have made it to 40. Who died so painfully young, who did not get to graduate from high school, or college, or have a chance to watch their children grow up.

I get to. I get to be 40. And I've never been more grateful.

I have a lot left to do in my life. Let me rephrase that. I have so, so, so much life in me and I have years and years ahead of me to do all kinds of things. I am not old or over the hill, nor am I clinging to 21 and trying to find the fountain of youth. I'm still me. Still Cathy. Still raising her children as best she can. Still trying to stay healthy and make a difference in the world. Still reading and creating and messing up and just being.

Just being me.

2011-07-11T08:07:00.001-06:00

Christmas In July

What? You mean you don't make gingerbread houses in the middle of July at your house? It's just us?

2011-07-09T20:32:00.000-06:00

Anyone want to try to write a caption for this picture?

2011-07-08T09:38:00.001-06:00

So Much To Do
I've been putting off cleaning the house for way too many days now, but I must buckle down and do it pronto. Our feet are sticking to the floor a wee bit too often. Never mind that I'd rather watch videos of the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 debut in London, or see what William and Kate are doing in California, or search eBay for sassy shoes... the floors must be cleaned. It does not help that last night I was making the best sandwiches in the world (recipe to follow) when I spilled a bottle of Balsamic vinegar all over the stove and floor. I discovered that's one of the worst things you could spill--between the color that stains everything and the smell that overpowers everything else, it was not pretty. So I have no more excuses not to clean, Royal Couple or not.

So about that sandwich. I have become a huge fan of Colleen Patrick-Goudreau. She is a vegan writer, speaker, and cookbook author and she is the bomb. Seriously. Go to the dictionary and look up "da bomb" and you will see her picture. I have tried many of her recipes and so far I have not been disappointed. I would love to post them all here but I'm sure Colleen would rather we all buy her books. I told David that's all I want for my birthday--her cookbooks. Anyway, The Vegan Table is so fabulous and full of the most amazing recipes. Last night I made her Panini with Lemon-Basil Pesto. It has wiped away any memory of all other sandwiches for me because it was that good. This is a great sandwich to make for the grown-ups when you make grilled cheese for the kids.

Pesto:
2 cups loosely packed fresh basil leaves
2 cloves garlic, peeled
1/4 cup pine nuts
Salt to taste
2 T olive oil
2 tsp. fresh lemon juice (or more to taste)

Combine basil, garlic, pine nuts, and salt in a food processor. Mix until smooth. Add oil and lemon juice and process until smooth.

Panini:
2 med. red bell peppers, cut into slices and roasted
2 zucchini squash, sliced and roasted
1 med. red onion
1 or 2 tomatoes, sliced
1 ripe avocado, sliced (I didn't have avocado, but I had some leftover guacamole that I used as a spread)
1 loaf Italian bread (such as ciabatta), sliced
2 T balsamic vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste
Olive oil for brushing

Directions:
The recipe calls for roasted or grilled bell pepper and zucchini. I chose to slice them and soften them under the broiler in my oven. Took about 8 minutes. Roasted would probably be extra yummy, but you're mostly looking to soften the veggies. Spread pesto on a slice of bread, layer the bell pepper, squash, onion, tomatoes, and avocado evenly. Sprinkle with a little balsamic vinegar and salt and pepper. Spread more basil on the other slice of bread and place on top of the sandwich. Drizzle a little olive oil on the outside of the bread and press in a panini maker. I don't have a panini maker, so I used our pancake griddle and put olive oil on the griddle itself and put the sandwich on the griddle. Then I took a heavy baking dish and set it on top of the sandwiches. You don't want to skip that part because it condenses the sandwich and gets it heated all the way through. Flip the sandwich after 4 minutes and continue to cook until the bread is toasted and sandwich is heated through. Just try to eat this without moaning.

2011-07-07T19:08:00.000-06:00

Today
Today I pretended to not know my children. I can get away with that in large crowds because, in case you hadn't noticed, they don't look like me.

We may or may not have been at the aquarium.
We may or may not have been looking at a giant eel.
My kids may or may not have started making weird body noises and voice-overs for the eel.
I may or may not have stepped away from them and pretended to be very interested in the jellyfish a good 20 yards away.
Maybe.

2011-07-06T19:43:00.001-06:00

Today
Lily went out with my mom, and the boys and I went to The Ghost Town Museum. Very "wild west" and completely touristy, but who says you can be a tourist in your own hometown? On the way home Carver and Zinabu discussed boogers and ways to beat up an intruder if they ever tried to rob us. I whispered quiet words to myself and ignored them. I snuck in a little Women's World Cup action, played card games with Z, watched the rain and lightning as the power went out, cursed when the power came back on and realized I had to cook dinner, made a killer vegetable risotto and pot pie, and only said "Pick up your socks" three times today.

All in all, a winner!

2011-07-04T09:08:00.000-06:00

Beautiful
I just had one of the best weekends ever. We all took a chance, threw caution to the wind, and gathered from all over the country to spend the weekend together--having never met one another. I loved every minute of it and wish I could do it again next weekend with all the same women. It was amazing. I love them all so much. A huge thank you to each and every one of you who came. You are so beautiful--inside and out.

I invited Colin Firth, but he was a no-show. Probably for the best, because there
was a lot of female body talk.

Hiking in the heat.

They hike in skirts. Aren't these women so fabulous?

The kids table. I need a putty knife to clean the floor, but it was so, so worth it. There were
only 10 of them, but the had the exuberance of 100.

Lunch!

Happy kids and happy mamas.

A lot of laughter.

A lot of sincere joy.

This one gets framed!

This one too!

A little blurry, but there were college plastic cups with wine and $50 worth of candy involved.

I {heart} her so much. She is amazeballs.

A new tradition. Remember the yard sale extravaganza with my children? I snuck the ship replica/art/kitsch/awfulness into Deirdre's car before she drove home. She has it now. I can't wait to see who gets it next or how. Look out!

2011-06-29T15:33:00.001-06:00

Looking Closer

You may be wondering why I'm reposting the picture of our family at Breckenridge. (Note: In Colorado, a lot of people refer to Breckenridge as "Breck". For some reason this drives me crazy and I never, ever do it. It's one thing to call Cape Cod the "Cape." That's a witty nickname and everyone in the United States knows what that means. "Breck" sounds like some kind of exclusive club that is for weenies. Maybe it's just me, but now you know.) I digress. I was looking at the family photo from Summer 2011 and noticed something. My kids are getting tall. I'm 5 foot 7. Carver is almost up to my ear and Lily is at my shoulder. I don't know exactly when this happened, but happened it has. I'm happy to report that Zinabu is right at my boobs, so every time he hugs me he's squishing me, but at least he's below my neck. They just keep growing.(My kids. Not my boobs.)

2011-06-27T10:41:00.001-06:00

Highlights From Breckenridge
Friday morning I picked Carver up at camp (you've never seen a happier mama) and we drove back to Breckenridge to meet up with David and spend the rest of the weekend there. Carver had THE BEST WEEK EVER (his words) and WAS REALLY UNHAPPY TO LEAVE (my observation). I love that he had a fantastic time meeting new friends and trying new things, like kayaking! Back at Breckenridge the sun was out and the pool was warm. We had a pretty quiet evening and tucked Carver into bed early as he was starting to snarl at us he was so exhausted. On Saturday we went to a mountain top summer park and dropped 2 million dollars for our family of 5 to get in. It was worth it, though. We all had an incredible time. Here are some of the highlights.

Riding the shuttle up the mountain. Don't you love 12 year old teeth?

Excited.

He was giggling before he started jumping.

Jumping higher.

Carver was doing flips that made my head spin.

Cutie!

Lily is never outdone by her brothers.

Super girl.

Riding up the chair lift for the alpine slide.

Ready. Set. Go.

Just think. In 4 years he'll have his driver's license.

I took this picture while going down the alpine slide. So. Much. Fun!

My boys bringing it home.

Lily and yours truly riding up the Alpine Roller Coaster. Probably the most fun I've had in years.

Could they be any cuter?

David at the end of the coaster.

He would not come down.

He climbed again, and again, and again.

Zinabu and David on top of the maze. See all that snow in the background? There was so
much snow on the slopes that they still had the tubing hill open. We did that too, but I didn't take any
photos as I was careening down the snow in my shorts on a rubber tube.

More climbing.

Double trouble.

I love my family!

2011-06-23T11:23:00.001-06:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-21T23:04:00.001-06:00

Family Fun

Remember when? Remember when you were a kid and your parents took you on a trip and you didn't want to go? You pouted and whined and dragged your feet and chose to walk 20 yards behind your mom or dad while kicking a rock? The photo above is a classic in my family. We were living in Virginia at the time, so my mom and dad took us all to Washington, D.C. for a family trip. Look how optimistic my mom was! All dressed up and sassy with her white trench coat and pretty hair. Too bad she had to drag 3 ungrateful children along with her that day. I think this was the best photo my dad could get of all of us in front of the White House. After this picture my little brother and I both started crying.

My time has come. No sooner did we finally get past the diapers, pull-ups, tie their shoes, help them get dressed, hold-them-in-the-pool-so-they-don't-drown phase then we are full-on in the crabby, dragging their feet, rolling their eyes, and walking-20-yards-behind-us-while-kicking-a-rock phase. Eighty percent of our vacation time is awesome. Completely great. But the other twenty percent? Mmmmmm, not so much. While we were in Breckenridge and touring a museum there, one of our kids copped such a bad attitude--pouting with tears running down their cheeks--that a woman on the street actually stopped to give them a hug. (My kids are very adept at pouting.)

Here's to family vacations.

2011-06-19T10:41:00.000-06:00

Off Again
This morning we are dropping Carver off at camp for the week and the rest of us are going back and forth to Breckenridge. Why back and forth? Because Z and Lily both have appointments mid-week, and I told David for Father's Day he could have a couple of days by himself up there. So there you have it. At the end of the week, I'll pick Carver up at camp and then we'll all head back to Breckenridge to be with David. A lot of driving around, but worth it. Last year I was a hysterical sobbing mess after dropping Carver off at camp. This year I am slightly better, so it's nice to know I can improve over time. I will still bawl and miss him terribly, but I am more happy for him than sad for me.
See you when we return!

2011-06-17T20:57:00.000-06:00

Here Fishy Fishy
It didn't matter that we were surrounded by gorgeous mountains or had perfect weather. There was a pool. Pretty much all we did was swim. And swim. And eat. And swim some more.

Happy Zinabu

Scary Zinabu

A quick peek at the mountains.

More swimming with Lily

A brief rest

Carver poolside

Oops. That's just a picture of my cute husband that I threw in the mix.

Waiting for pizza.

2011-06-15T07:48:00.000-06:00

Away
We're off to Breckenridge for a little getaway. Two days this week but all of next week, too. Breckenridge is one of the prettiest places in Colorado--the mountains there are spectacular and the downtown is way cool. Too cool for this family, but they still let us come visit. David is the uber-travel-planner extraordinaire. He can scout out deals like our neighborhood bear scouts out garbage. Between Craigslist and his Internet searches, he's scored some mostly free overnights for us all for lots of trips this summer. So a shout out to the Big D for his cyber savvy.

There is still quite a bit of snow up in the ski areas, but the days are going to be warm and sunny. We'll swim and hike and ride the alpine slide and I'll take millions of pictures and post them when we get back.

In other news, I finished my response to the IRS and flooded them with more paperwork to prove that we paid for and finalized our adoption of Zinabu. If you didn't hear, they rejected our tax credit and slapped us with a big fat fine for wasting their time. Turns out I'm not the only one who got that letter. My friend Heather got something similar, and her fine was $2,000. These are people that have adopted and claimed the adoption tax credit that the government offered. We're not criminals. We're not lying. We're not making up fake children to claim money that was never spent. This process has been brutal for quite a few of us. Especially because a lot of us adjusted our federal withholdings for the 2010 tax year in anticipation of the adoption tax credit. If for some reason they disallow our claim, we will owe massive amounts of money. So let's all say a prayer for the person reviewing our paperwork, shall we? Mmmmmkay.

2011-06-13T15:20:00.001-06:00

David added new sand to the sandbox and the kids christened it with lots of playing. It was a beautiful evening, which you would never know by Carver's wool cap. Pre-teen fashion is very important, no matter how hot it is. I love these kids so much.

2011-06-08T21:47:00.001-06:00

Remember When?
Remember when I said that I could never go vegan because I would miss cheese too much? I really ought to be careful about saying such definitive statements because I am one hair's breath away from doing just that. It's a bit of a long story, and I won't go into it until my birthday (July 13th) because that's probably going to be the big official switch. Suffice it to say, I should try not to say "never" anymore.

And here's the other thing. I am absolutely sick of my hair. It's ugly and bothering me and way too much work. Whose idea was it to grow it out for my big trip to London? Oh yeah. That would be me. Another thing I shouldn't make lofty goals about. Someone talk me out of the path of a sharp pair of scissors.

2011-06-08T08:38:00.001-06:00

Summer Nights
There were a lot of fun things going on in the city last night, but we participated in the good ol' American pastime of baseball. Zinabu had his first game of the summer. He was so stinking adorable I could hardly stand it. Put him in a uniform and his cuteness skyrockets.

The air was warm. The sun was shining. Only two kids got hit on the head with a baseball. And Zinabu made a great play at third base. When the game was over, we headed over to the playground that was on the other side of the park.

They were filthy, but they sure slept well!

2011-06-06T07:23:00.002-06:00

And They're Off

Sorry for the horrible photo. It was early and Lily hates to smile before 8 am, so I had to take it fast.

Do you remember when Carver and David took their trip to San Francisco? David promised each child when they turned 10 years old he would take them on a trip. Just them and dad. It was supposed to be a train trip, but now that it is Lily's turn, and knowing her personality, we decided a plane would be the better way to go. They left yesterday morning for San Diego for four fun-filled days with an extreme focus on animals.That's Lily's major love of all time, you know. So while we are here in Colorado, trying to find oxygen and blue sky with all the smoke in the air from the AZ wildfires, they are frolicking on the beach, going to the zoo, swimming with dolphins at Sea World, going on a whale-watching boat ride, admiring sea lions, and anything else that Lily wants to try. David is "travel guide supreme"--seriously, if you ever go anywhere he's the person to travel with. I am so excited for them. They really, really, REALLY need this time together. I hope they come home with a deeper love and appreciation for one another, plus a lot of fantastic stories to tell.

2011-06-04T12:03:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'm still here.
No, I have nothing new to write about--unless you want to hear about how I'm trying to keep another garage sale in our neighborhood a big secret from my kids or about how we have no food in the house and I need to go to the grocery store and I'm tired of thinking about food and making food and needing food and watching my kids consume food... But I don't think you want to hear all that, do you?

2011-06-01T14:32:00.001-06:00

Happy June 1st
Lily and Zinabu decided to wash the dog together.

Lily is an amazing worker.

This is Zinabu helping.

2011-05-30T16:33:00.002-06:00

I am practicing...
taking deep breaths
believing in love
enjoying my kids
not worrying about the IRS and their mean letter to me
organizing closets and rooms and projects (because that's what makes me happy)
cutting back on sugar and flour (guess what? my pants fit!)
running again
saying yes to just about anything my kids want to try
and smiling more.

2011-05-28T20:11:00.001-06:00

A Quick Update
It has been a bad, bad, bad, bad week. Money woes. A bad diagnosis. Kids are sick. David is sick. Paperwork piled up to my eyeballs. Exhaustion.

Things were just starting to look up when the bear came to our house tonight and ate Carver's rabbit. I didn't even know bears ate rabbits. Holy Meatballs, Batman! I am the woman that hates to fib to her kids at all--they don't even believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy because I can't stand the thought of telling them something untrue. And yet right now I am trying to concoct some sort of fable about how Fred the rabbit is suddenly not with us anymore.

Help me!

2011-05-25T09:46:00.000-06:00

Book Review
I'm still getting over the "Great Sombrero Debacle" of 2011 (see previous post) but I can still scrap together a couple of book reviews.

This is one of the toughest books I've ever had to read aloud. It's just so heart-wrenching. We've owned this book for a few years, and it has since won the Caldecott Medal of Honor. This is the true story of a boy who grows up in slavery, and as an adult his wife and children are sold away. With nothing left to lose, he seeks the help of the Underground Railroad and packages himself up in a crate and ships himself to freedom. I love this book for its truth, its realistic portrayal of the horror of slavery, and the consequences of families being torn apart. This is not an easy read. Zinabu does not like this book. His own words were, "That book makes me too sad." I think Zinabu is also especially sensitive to the fact that he sees Henry, the main character, through the lense of his own adoption. So if your children are adopted, try to gauge their ability to process this book, let alone even handle it altogether. Parents should preview this book before reading it aloud.

This is one of those books that I love for the illustrations alone. You will LOVE them. Clean and fresh with tributes to the 1950s. This book is about a first grade boy who goes to school with his imagination. His pirate friends accompany him all day long (my favorite is when they bust out the doors to recess). The text is written in "pirate-speak," so get your Jack Sparrow on and prepare to sound like a landlubber gone wild. A current favorite of Zinabu's.

2011-05-23T10:01:00.002-06:00

Let Me Explain

One of the hardest things for me as a mother is letting my kids go--be it a new responsibility, a choice, a special freedom, or celebrating their birthdays. It's certainly bittersweet. You have the joy over their growing up, but you have the loss, as well--letting go of the way things used to be. When you really think about it, motherhood is one of the cruelest jokes ever. You bring a child into your life and you spend the next few years falling deeply in love with them and doing absolutely everything for them and with them. Then you spend the rest of your life slowly letting go of them and watching them move on. I mean really... whose idea was this? And why does it have to be so painful?

Well, now that Carver is 12, Lily is 10, and Zinabu is 7 ("and a half," he always yells!) they are allowed to ride their bikes anywhere in our neighborhood. Carver and Lily can go anytime, but if Z wants to ride along, they all have to stay together. I'm slowly getting used to the idea that they'll be out of my sight and earshot for long stretches at a time, and I admit I think I finally understand why some parents buy cell phones for their children. So far, my kids have handled the responsibility just fine.

Yesterday there was a garage sale at the bottom of our neighborhood. My children were elated. Carver and Lily went first, and when they saw the cheap loot they came back for Zinabu. They took their own money and had... a... ball. Here is what they came back with:

3 sombreros
1 fishing rod
2 fishing nets
1 fishing tackle box
1 cowboy hat
1 outdated cheap camera that uses film
1 giant ship replica that's supposed to be mounted on the wall
1 dart board
1 hunting vest
1 basket of dried flowers
1 basket of Christmas decorations
1 life vest
1 pink flamingo yard decoration (which was a gift for me since they thought I would {LOVE} it)

So with their freedom to ride their bikes where they want, I also now am struggling with their financial decisions. My kids came home with tons of crap, and what am I supposed to do? Praise them for their ingenuity? Applaud their "good deals"? Celebrate their finds?

David did not help. He offered to reimburse them for the sombreros.

2011-05-21T08:17:00.000-06:00

What To Do
It would have been nice if the world had really ended today. My to-do list is a bit too long. And nothing gets done on the weekends because with 3 kids that means 3 different interests or things they want to do. Gone are the days when we all go to the playground together. Sometimes I make them, but usually they want to veer off in completely opposite directions. There are times, when I am stretched to the fullest, that I consider bribing them to want to do the same thing. I don't, but I am oh-so tempted.

2011-05-18T10:08:00.002-06:00

Summer Plans

Our summer calendar

I am a big believer in kids being kids, free-play, and never being over scheduled. However, the summer looms before us--its vast days with NOTHING on the agenda, repeat, repeat, repeat--and I go a little goofy making sure each kid has enough to do so they don't all wind up in Juvenile Detention (thank you, God, for making fireworks illegal in our county). They have their favorite day camps, and Carver is going back to sleep away camp this summer (I will need only 2 boxes of tissues this time around), plus a sport here and there--and the summer feels a little more well-rounded. I am trying (read: pulling my hair out with insanity) to find times that we can do several overnight trips to various places like museums, cultural centers, and parks. It's not as easy as I thought it would be, but I'm trying. I want my kids to be able to do everything, but sadly we lack the crucial resources like 10 day weeks and a million dollars. I'm still combing the summer guides for ideas. I have to remember that my kids don't know the difference between the symphony series in Vail or the jazz band performance at the local park. While I, personally, would rather go to Vail, my kids will be just as satisfied with outdoor music in a parking lot. Basically, I need to back off of trying to make our summer perfect. It won't be. Check back in with me the second day they're out of school and we will have already failed in multiple ways. We're so good at failing in multiple ways. Yay us!

And here's a quick update on my French lessons. I'm terrible. I can't seem to retain ANY of the words. I listen on my iPhone and practice the vocabulary, but the next day--poof! They're gone. I'm not giving up, though. Maybe in 10 years I'll have mastered the art of, "Where is the bathroom?" and "How are you?" Setting the bar high, aren't I?

2011-05-16T09:36:00.002-06:00

Off They Go

These are the letters
that are going in the mail
to eight of the sweetest women
who helped me through
adoption
parenting
trauma
grief
and life.

In about six weeks, these eight women will be coming to Colorado to visit me. I am so excited I could bust!

2011-05-15T08:42:00.001-06:00

Funniest Game Ever
We love to play games around here. Usually card games, but board games too. Lily got the game Headbandz for her birthday. Instant classic. Completely hilarious. (Except for David, who doesn't like vague guessing games, apparently.) My mom had to guess she was a pair of scissors. It took a while.

2011-05-13T14:11:00.006-06:00

One Photo Every Hour
I took up the challenge from Julie, to document a day in my life with a photo every hour. I chose yesterday. A typical Thursday. Prepare to be utterly bored.

6 am. Up, dressed, and time to take the dog out to pee and then feed him.

7 am. Making 4 breakfasts and 3 lunches. I grab half an English muffin with jam. You'll be
glad I didn't document everything I ate all day because I wasn't a winner in the food department.

A little bit before 8 am. Drop off Lily and Zinabu at school. I love, love, love this photo of Lily.
She looks like royalty.

9 am. Pulling into the garage. I have taken Carver to school and then played fetch with the dog.
I am back home to catch up on dishes, email, and bills. No time for personal hygiene. A week or so ago I found this Virginia Woolf quote and stuck it to my dashboard. It reminds me to quit comparing myself to other people. I am really bad about doing that all the time. Also, I need to dust my dashboard.

10 am. Back in the car. I spend a TON of time in the car these days. I am headed back to the elementary school because it's my day to work in the library. Note my iPhone. I am addicted to podcasts and cannot drive anywhere without NPR or some kind of podcast. I especially like podcasts on budgeting, economics, and money. I am freely admitting to you that I am a nerd. Also, I had to find some quarters for parking downtown later. I dug through our coin box in the kitchen and all I could come up with were 2,000 pennies and a couple of Chuck E. Cheese tokens. I found one quarter in my van and hoped the parking meter police were on vacation.

11 am. I've been here almost an hour and I've hardly put a dent in the piles. It is the end of the school year. Library books are all due this week. It is a disaster. However, I know the Dewey Decimal system pretty darn well, if I do say so myself. We have a great selection of books at out school. The kids are always drawn to the science and non-fiction books. Books about shark attacks and rats and the planet Neptune.
They're little sponges.

11:45 ish. Before I leave I stop off in the cafeteria to say hi to the kids.
Lily, upon learning I'm not staying, gives me this face.

Still 11:45 ish. You ALWAYS wash your hands after working in the library
and visiting the cafeteria. After all, as you can see by the sign,
germs are EVERYWHERE!

12:30 ish. I am so glad I had my camera because I cannot think of one time in our entire marriage that
I met David for lunch on a work day. Never, ever, ever happens. Because he has jury duty and
was downtown with an hour and a half lunch break, I met him at Chipotle for yummy burritos. And
although it looks like David is participating in the Gay Pride parade with his purple badge, it
actually says "Juror Div. 20." He HAS to keep it on at all times so that no one talks to him about the
murder trial. It was fantastic having lunch with him. I wish we could do that more than once
every 15 years.

1:00 pm. I get home to this look. He needs to pee again.

2:00 pm. I think ahead to dinner and realize I still have time to start a loaf of bread in the bread machine.

3:45. Carver is out of school. He is excited to show me the pillow he's making in his Home Ec. class.
He said, "I wish I had a sewing machine. Sewing is so cool."

4:45ish. Zinabu was playing here.

5:45. Dinner. Dinner is usually sacred at our house. We always sit down together, no matter what. That's why this photo is so funny. I hadn't run the dishwasher that day, so we dug out the camping plates. Lily looks like she's eating a jar of jelly for her meal, which she practically was. Zinabu left the table to get a vitamin. Carver was mad at me about something and was actually outside pouting, not wanting to come to the table. Good family memories, yessiree.

7 pm. I am cleaning up the dinner dishes (finally) after helping with homework and interrupting arguments
and picking up lost pairs of socks. A hummingbird landed on the feeder outside the kitchen window and
I was able to photograph it before it flew away.

8 pm. Carver and I talk in the kitchen for a little bit before he gets ready for bed.

9 pm. David and I are trying to plan a weekend in California this summer. He has to go for a
conference and I could fly out by myself and fly back with him. But his flight back is on a little
shuttle plane. You know how I feel about flying and I don't do small planes. At all. We are
at an impasse.

10 pm. I get a wild hair and whip up some sweet potato muffins for tomorrow's breakfast.
They were super yummy.

10:45ish. I get in bed. This is what I see when I lie on my side. One of my books about England.
I got through 2 paragraphs before zonking out.